In this raw and deeply moving episode of Taboo Talk with Sarah, Alyson Richelle courageously shares her story of surviving coercive control, emotional abuse, and gaslighting while raising neurodivergent children. What starts as subtle manipulation unravels into a gripping narrative of survival, resilience, and reclaiming self-worth. If you’ve ever doubted your reality in a relationship or felt unseen, this conversation might be the lifeline you’ve been looking for.
“No bruises, no broken bones—but there is a breaking down of your identity, your voice, your spirit.” — Sarah Jordan-Ross
“They punish the children because they want to hurt you… it’s not about love—it’s about control.” — Alyson Richelle
“Don’t doubt yourself. What you’re experiencing and feeling is the truth.” — Alyson Richelle
Alyson Richelle – Mum, neurodivergent woman, survivor, and fierce advocate for those trapped in invisible cycles of emotional abuse. She now supports others globally with connections and safety planning.
📲 Connect with Alyson via links in the show notes (include when posting live)
If something in this episode resonated with you—please don’t stay silent.
Reach out. Share this episode.
DM Sarah or Alyson. There’s help available, and you are not alone.
✨ Subscribe, leave a review, and join us next week as we break more silence and foster more hope.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:00) Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Tabby Talk with Sarah, the podcast that breaks the silence, fosters hope and talks about the tough stuff so you never feel alone. And today we're having one of those conversations that really matters. I'm joined by my beautiful friend, Alison. She's a mum, a neurodivergent woman and a survivor of something most people still don't understand, coercive control and emotional abuse. This isn't the kind of violence we always see.
No bruises, no broken bones, but there is a breaking down of your identity, your voice, your spirit. Alison's bravely sharing what it's really like to live in that kind of a relationship, what it took for her to get out and how she's rebuilding while raising neurodivergent kids, which that's a challenge all in its own right. If you've ever questioned your own reality, felt trapped or wondered if something just isn't quite right in a relationship,
This episode might be a mirror or a lifeline. So let's get into it. So Alison, firstly, thank you for being here.
Alyson Richelle (01:08)
Thank you so much for having
me, Sarah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (01:10)
Okay, so let's start where most stories like this don't, inside the relationship. So coercive control isn't always obvious. Looking back, what did it actually feel like living inside that? And what were those moments that made you start questioning if it was really love?
Alyson Richelle (01:30)
That's a really
good question, nice and deep. guess for so long it will... You don't know, it's on the surface. Like you're in a relationship with someone, there's some affection at times, you're doing like-minded activities. But then behind the scenes, you might have a disagreement about something or have different views and you're told that you're irrational, that you're not in this reality, that it didn't happen like that. So you start then questioning yourself as to, did it really happen like that?
Sarah Jordan-Ross (01:35)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (01:59)
Am I overreacting? Am I over emotional? ⁓ So you start questioning yourself and it can be the little things. It can be, I'm trying to help you out. ⁓ And they might speak positively on one hand, like, I love what you're doing. I love that you've got all these ideas and interests, but then turn around, but you're doing too much and you're ignoring the family. You're neglecting the family. All you're doing is obsessed with money. So there's always that two sides of the story. On one hand,
try and raise you up and then on the other hand they're turning it into a negative against you or it could be giving you these gifts that you don't expect but when you don't reciprocate and tell them how much you love it and want it you're a bad person for wanting the help and the support. Again it can be trying to really force you to push the relationship further and share it with everyone.
and tell everyone how good this person is, whereas you just want that friendship. ⁓ So it can be, it's usually really, really subtle and it really happens over a period of time. So it's not something that happens, I guess you see it one day, it's there the next. And it usually requires someone else to come in and tell you that, hang on, that's not right. Like a whole argument. And we're all humans, so we're all gonna disagree about things. So you're gonna have that.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (03:23)
Hmm.
Alyson Richelle (03:25)
We're all going to fight the times and disagree. But when is the disagreement becoming more coercive control, more harm is, I guess, when you're not allowed to voice your opinion, when you're told your opinion is worthless, that the person is controlling what you're doing. If you don't agree with them, the threats will start. And they might be little subtle threats that are going to take your kids or you didn't do that, you're a bad mother. So all these little bits and pieces that plant that seed of doubt in you about what you're doing and what you have done.
And as I said, it builds slowly. So it might not always be the same, but it's like a rollercoaster. You have your really good day. So they really build you up. You have a great time. You're connecting, you're having fun, laughing friends, and then slowly it will come down. And what you did yesterday that was appreciated is now the wrong thing. And then it gets on the cycle again. So it slowly builds and changes and then different things. And then they'll start talking to other people about you. it might be, I guess it's like on one side that they'll present the
Sarah Jordan-Ross (04:09)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (04:25)
they're a loving, kind person, they would do anything for you. But then to your face, they wouldn't. They talk badly about you. They talk badly about these friends as well. So it's, guess, it's seeing those other signs. But then, I guess, when you start to dig deeper, you look at other relationships they might have with their friends, their family, parents. And usually you can see there's a disconnection at times. And they're usually the ones that, this person always did this to me, and this person always did this to me. So they never...
I guess can take accountability or acknowledge what they have done. It's always everyone else. And like we're all human, so we're all going to make mistakes. And there's nothing wrong with making mistakes. It's about learning from it, growing and in a relationship, being a team to work on it together.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (05:07)
Yeah, because that's it. We quite often learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. And it's taking accountability when we do make those mistakes and taking responsibility for our part in a disagreement, not always putting it onto the other person. Something that I've noticed in your work is you talk about how gaslighting, like
you just explained and neurodivergence creates this kind of double bind. So can you unpack how you being neurodivergent and having neurodivergent kids shaped your experience of your abuse, especially when it came to doubting yourself? Cause that can sometimes be a neurodivergent issue as well. So that would have just compounded everything.
Alyson Richelle (06:03)
And I
guess this is where it's really interesting. So many of us don't understand neurodivergent. So there's nothing wrong with being labeled as ASD, ADHD. It is a way that our brain actually processes and deals with things differently. So we might work.
told that we're doing too much, we're focused too much, we're not following through with things. So when you've already got that
Sarah Jordan-Ross (06:18)
you've just
⁓ Sorry, Alison, we lost connection for a minute there. So can you just start that question again? I'll start that answer again.
Alyson Richelle (06:39)
So there's nothing wrong with being neurodivergent. Some will actually say they don't want to be labeled or don't want to diagnose us. For me, it means it's a way for other people to understand you, whether or not it's ASD, ADHD, bipolar, any of the disabilities that you get diagnosed with. It's a way to help you understand how you react, how you respond and so on else. Because quite often what's old, you can't concentrate, you're naughty, you're not focused.
So when you add that into a relationship where someone's telling you all these things as well, it's like, it because of my disability that I struggled to concentrate, I struggled to focus? Or is it that someone's constantly putting me down, telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy, and creating all that doubt in my head, even more than having that already that you question yourself going, well, I wanna do this, why am I doing it?
is really hard. And then they also don't talk about the big issue is a lot of the time we start to react and then we have this reactive abuse and that gets turned around, especially when you're neurodivergent. We're all going to raise our voice. We're all going to argue. And one of the things I remember and it was discussed in the relationship very odd on like we talk about everyone being on a playing field. have our ups and downs. 90, I said about 90 for some of the time I can sort of be evil cured. Then I'll lose my shit and then come back down.
And when this was explained in a situation, they're like, no, maybe 1 % of the time you're out of control. And then I learned that's when I was hitting reactive abuse. I'd been pushed and pushed and pushed. It's like with the bucket, the bucket completely overflowed. I had to let it all out. But as soon as I'd let it all out, I came back down. It wasn't a consistent up and down. Whereas a lot of times, if it is abuse, you will notice it's often up, down, up, down, up, down. It's not just a response or reaction to something that has actually happened.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (08:20)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (08:35)
at a time or after a serious event. And this is where it's really important. Everyone forgets to look at what led up to an explosion with someone or what happened to the actual incident. Obviously, if there's a physical indication, they always ask, well, what happened to it before they hit you? And you can see that. But when there's an argument, no one asks what happened. And often, being neurodivergent, you can't always explain what happened. And this was something I really found with my kids. They'd get pushed and pushed and pushed, snap.
but couldn't explain what had happened afterwards. It would take him a while to actually decompress and be able to understand. And then they would tell you, ⁓ this happened. I was pushed and I was told that I wasn't worthy. I was attacked for different things. And a lot of times it is very verbal and it's very subtle. Like it might be a slight change in the tone, the pitch, the way someone's doing something. So on the outside, you're not necessarily going to see.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (09:29)
It's not always what they say.
Alyson Richelle (09:29)
You're not going to see these signs,
but when you've been in the situation, you will know that a certain word or a certain race, ⁓ temperament or slight changes that might be twitching of eyes or something is actually going to be that change before the explosion. But trying to put that into words is where it's really, really hard. And because no one else sees it, they don't believe it. And this is probably the big issue. No one is giving credit to the spoken word anymore, the experience. It's, well, we didn't see it. It didn't happen.
and that really needs to change.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (10:01)
Yeah, because we never know what's going on behind closed doors in somebody else's relationship. And we can't judge everything by what we see because sometimes with even with an argument that doesn't have neurodiversity as a
It's not always going to be what somebody actually said to you, but it's going to be the way that they've said it. And it's also going to be what else that brings up for you. And if you've been pushed to breaking point, of course you're going to explode. There's just so much that you can squish down and pretend it's not, not an issue before it comes out. Actually, that is a problem.
So understanding all of that and leaving a relationship is never easy, especially an abusive one where there is threats, where there is other things going on. It's not as simple as, yeah, just get out of there, just walk away. There's a lot of other stuff underlying that.
And it's quite often a really scary time as well. What actually got you to to get out to say, no, can't do this anymore. And then what did it actually take logistically, but also emotionally to actually get out and get yourself to a safe space again?
Alyson Richelle (11:33)
That's really interesting.
And cause I guess I found myself in the situation twice. It was very different. Like the first, well, the first time I separated, I had to physically leave with me, myself and the children I had. The youngest was only a few weeks old. There was affairs happening in the background. was, didn't want to do anything, refused to leave. And at that time we'd been sleeping in separate rooms under the one roof. And if I didn't take control and do something, I knew nothing was going to change. So.
I packed myself and the kids up and we went into state for three months, which was really scary because everything was in the house. I had a brand new baby. We ended up all sick. So we ended up in motel accommodation. Thankfully we made it work, but it was having to take that control back then to do it. And thankfully I was able to have this accommodation because we did have timeshare. So it wasn't a financial cost for me to be able to go. But if I had to try and afford these financially.
There was no way I could have done it. Like I had no family support. did nothing. So that was a really big factor that probably helped the first time. was, and I guess we weren't sure where things were going in the relationship. Like I knew with the affairs where it was, want the separation. And it was like, but I'm not leaving. I want to have my family, my house, but I want to have my girlfriend on the side. And I was like, it can't work like that. So I had to just take the action. then a few years later we'd gotten back together and when it had to change again, it was sort of similar.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (12:33)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (12:59)
except this time there was another person involved. And again, it was like going through, because I guess I've always been the problem solver and it's like, all right, you want some space, you want time to discuss what you want. How about we look at caravan accommodation, caravans, live with friends, parks. Again, a lot of lies came about it. There was another relationship. So eventually they left. But then there was a lot of dictatorship about what I could do with the family home, how I could have the kids that they should be allowed to come back every weekend to have the kids. And initially I kept thinking,
let them come back on the weekends to have the kids because it's in the kids' best interest. But then I learnt this was a really big boundary cross for me because it invaded my space and my privacy. Even though there was somewhere separate for them to be, I didn't have that safe space. So that had to change very, very quickly. And it was very difficult. again, usually it's not an easy situation. Thankfully that scenario, the risks for safety weren't so bad. Whereas the more recent one was about this time
12 months ago that they'd been in really big incident and I was told it was coercive control after ringing an organisation. I reached out to family, I reached out to friends, I reached out to people who saw it and said, this is what's going, I want to leave. I was told it wasn't happening, I hadn't seen it, they'd been really nice for me. As it progressed, it got worse and worse, they'd moved onto the property where I was, started taking over. I ended up with the granddaughter in my care and then a friend in my care, so we were dealing with child safety.
I was trying to protect these two extra kids as well as my kids. And it was like, how do I get out of this situation? No one wanted to help. It took probably two months before until about the September when I really reached out for help and we had to move because the family home was being sold. That I said, look, I don't want to move. I can't move in with this person. Cause we'd gone from being on one property, two separate houses to having to share the same bedroom, the same house. And I was freaking out. And that's when I really had to reach out for help and go.
I can't do this. And again, it took another month or so before finally people took it seriously. And this was a very dangerous situation to be leaving from because there were threats to kill me, my pets, my children. When they do your safety risk assessments, we were extreme risk. But on paper and when you looked at it, everyone goes it couldn't be. But we're talking someone who's an ex-military person, someone who's got friends and connections with firearms. He's told you he's got firearms stashed at friends' places.
He mentioned that he had nothing to live for if anyone took his granddaughter off him, he was going to kill anyone who got in his way. There were constant physical threats to harm, even though there was no physical violence at that point in time, it was very much that physical control. And trying to leave wasn't possible. Everyone goes, well, why couldn't you leave? A lot of the time, they've got all your financial control. They've told you your family and friends do not want you and won't help.
Government organisation support won't help. There's limited rental. There's very limited crisis accommodation. You've got children. You've got pets. So trying to leave when you've got all these external factors is really, hard. And if you've got nowhere to go, where do you go? So for me, he'd always had control of something that was important to me, whether or it was my children or the animals or he was on my property.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:21)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (16:26)
So I couldn't physically leave. If I left, I gave up everything or had to walk away from my kids and my animals, which I didn't want to do. So it actually took me being booked in for surgery after four months where the two girls in my care went to school. My eldest was at a traineeship. The two youngest were with support workers and the animals were at home with the support workers. So I was actually alone. I was alone with this person going to surgery. Yes, he had my car and everyone said,
I wasn't that a worry. And I said no. ⁓
Sarah Jordan-Ross (17:05)
The cow is probably the least of your consent.
Alyson Richelle (17:08)
So yeah, so as I saying I had surgery booked. The things that mattered that were irreplaceable were safe. Were in my car, I drove myself to the appointment. He wasn't listed as a contact to pick me up. Yes, I gave him the car keys at that point because I had to get him away from the hospital. And everyone said, one said my car is replaceable. It's insured, it's replaceable at the end of the day. If he does anything to it, I can replace it.
But my kids were safe, my animals were safe. Those I really loved and cared about were safe. So I'd spoken to them at hospital, made sure that he wasn't to give any information. They ended up giving him information. Had rung the police because there was a really big incident in the car driving up with threats and him deliberately trying to railroad me and cause harm. Ended up going in for the surgery, woke up having a massive panic attack. Really grateful the hospital listened.
and we organised alternative people to come and pick me up from the surgery. But he was waiting outside the hospital. He'd been waiting outside the hospital for hours. He'd had my car, he'd damaged my car, he'd done all these things, but I was safe. So a friend had picked me up, I got home to the kids, had to arrange alternatives for the other kids because obviously I wasn't able to be there. Two of the kids turned it on me that they should have been responsible and I shouldn't have had to help find them.
care but when they don't provide you any contacts, what do you do? So, but we were safe. Police came and saw me once I got home and we found out he was stalking us. He was sitting outside the house. He knew everything we were doing that night. Refused to give the car back for a week. We went into crisis accommodation and lived on edge for months and months. And then to make it better, he used all the information I had to join another person
to try and destroy me even more, to take the kids. So I had two people trying to now control me, manipulate me, and abuse it to take the things off me that I cared about the most, and that was my kids.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (19:14)
So a few months have passed now and you can look back because getting through that and while surviving yourself and well done for making sure that the kids were safe and for getting yourself out as safely as you could. But then what kept happening after that? Now that you're out of that.
and you're starting to heal and rebuild what's happening now.
Alyson Richelle (19:49)
So I guess
in some ways it's given me the confidence and strength to really share and start my story. But what people still don't see behind the scenes is the coercive control still going on, the pre-errant or alienation is going on. Children are being isolated, siblings are being isolated because of a parent, because of a lot of jealousy, because they've lost control. And that's probably where it gets the most dangerous. Why are you still under the same roof while there's a reason to still have contact? They've got control, which is why they'll often use
the courts and systems to keep control so they'll take out protection orders so they can force you back to court which means they get to see you. If there's children or property involved again they can apply for mediation, they can take you to court. So they've got the control, they're seeing you, they're causing more issues financially. And then if they can't get away with it they then get their friends onto it or they connect with others so they can still have that control.
and dictate or using the systems like Centrelink child support to be able to have that last little dig and not make it about the children. And this is probably what the hardest bit is. They punish the children because they want to hurt you. So children are getting caught, they're getting stuck in this system because they're the only things that can be weaponised now. And then the false allegations get made to police, child safety, anyone they can make a complaint to.
to begin to have that control to ensure that you're not living this free and fun life. Thankfully now I seem to be at the end of it. It's been probably two months now since all property was collected. There's been no contact at all and no reason for contact. And things have stopped directly to me. But this is where I know behind the scenes it is still happening because I'm getting messages which people shouldn't be aware of or situations that it's like, on.
you're speaking to this person, you guys are in collusion together. You're supplying the information to still have that control to dictate what I'm doing.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (21:50)
Yeah, it's hard to put those boundaries down and to try and keep moving forward with your life. And that's the thing, it doesn't end when you leave. There's still so much going on. But you've had to learn how to reclaim your life and read. What have you learnt about yourself or rediscovered about yourself since?
you left that relationship and on the path that you're on now to healing and getting your life back.
Alyson Richelle (22:25)
I guess what
I've learnt is that I've always been very resourceful and I've always been very much a problem solver and researcher, which has really worked in my advantage for being able to, I guess, find out, get connections, connect with people and learn. And I think this is part of the joy in some ways of being neurodivergent and ADHD that my brain goes a thousand miles an hour. So I'm always thinking of...
How can I do better? How can I do better? What else can I change? What other options there are? So being able to do that and then finding like-minded people, joining support groups, reaching out to the different organisations and having to find the good and the bad. And it's like everything, you've got to take what is going to serve you and suit you in the moment because not everyone's going to have the experience. Not everyone's going to have the advice or understanding. And some people will just be, will leave you animals.
What do they mean? They're worthless. So you've got people that have got no real understanding about how important a cat or a dog can be to a neurodivergent child or someone who has had that as that safe space that frets you when you go, because they've been protecting you for this time. So it's been really resourceful and then finding the strength inside me that I can do for others to start doing it for myself and my kids. So really.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (23:24)
Yeah
Mm.
Alyson Richelle (23:46)
standing up for myself, really advocating myself and asking those tough questions that I could do easily for someone else but I hadn't done for myself. And when I did that, that was the real big change for me to go, all right, I'm getting answers now because I'm standing up for myself and it wasn't easy and the people supposed to protect were still the ones that were...
I guess continuing the cycle of abuse, trying to justify why they wouldn't take action, that the law's too hard, and all the bits and pieces about that. And thankfully, like my background, having done 15 years in the police, I could see through what they were saying. I could go, hang on, you're gaslighting me just as much. You're trying to tell me it's so much easier to charge someone with an offense and a breach, but you're not doing it, and there's been 20 odd breaches and...
Sarah Jordan-Ross (24:31)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (24:40)
He's admitted these breaches in affidavits and paperwork, but you're still not taking action because you don't have enough evidence. It was a bit like, you say it's easier to charge and it's so much more work not to charge. But you're not charging him with any of these and then it's, well, that's just a piece of paper. It's an affidavit. It's a stat deck that they've given to court, which actually says they're offences for doing this, but the police weren't taking action.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (24:54)
how much is enough.
Alyson Richelle (25:07)
because it wasn't happened verbally in court and it was like well this is a whole breakdown in the system this is allowing the system and the perpetrators to continue to abuse us because they're not being held accountable to anyone the police won't take action they can admit to stalking you they can admit to threatening you and it's not enough still
Sarah Jordan-Ross (25:17)
Yeah.
How much is enough evidence? How many more women have to die before the system shifts and changes and gives more help to those who can't help themselves or that everything is stacked against them?
Alyson Richelle (25:46)
And we're seeing it more and more, like recently the article, the mum leaving was shot dead and then he shot himself and left a young child. As I leaving is the most dangerous part. People think it's simple, but it is definitely not.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (25:50)
this one.
No. Yeah, and it doesn't, the problems don't stop just from you leaving that situation. And I think for a lot of women, or certainly ones that I've spoken to, part of why they don't leave is that whole, it's more dangerous to leave without a definite escape plan than it is to stay.
But we need to start shifting things so that that's not the situation anymore that when somebody is in danger that they can actually get somewhere safe. Or that we change how our world works a little bit. I know I'm the mother of boys but I grew up in a family of girls but my mum was
Alyson Richelle (26:38)
differently.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (26:52)
the clerk of the court. So I grew up around lawyers and policemen. I was taught to drive by a policeman. I was also taught little things to keep myself safe. Like if I'm going to be out at night, my car will be parked under a streetlight. I will have a direct line of sight to my car so that no one's going to jump out and surprise me. Or I'll be walking with
If my hands in my pocket odds up my keys are laced between my fingers.
and different ways that I think about keeping myself safe. But that's from a stranger. A lot of problems and lot of abuses actually come from much closer to home.
That's something that we're not always taught how to keep ourselves safe from.
So if somebody listening right now is feeling stuck, scared, unsure if what they're experiencing is abuse, what do want them to hear? What would you tell them to give a little bit of hope?
Alyson Richelle (27:58)
I guess
if you're listening to this and you're going, well, that sounds like me. Don't doubt yourself. What you're experiencing and feeling is definitely the truth. The people who have hurt you want you to believe that there is nothing wrong, that it's all your fault, but that is definitely not the case. We don't feel like this if nothing has happened. We don't talk about it if nothing has happened. Why is someone going to want to...
talk negatively and say I've experienced something if it never happens. As humans we don't do that. We talk about what we've experienced and we acknowledge that people talk about their holidays and things like this so why are we not acknowledging that people are talking about abuse and it actually happening? We shouldn't have to wait for the physical signs or someone else to see it before it's believed. But if you're not sure, most of us have got phones these days, try and video record it.
try an audio recorder, I know it's not easy. Have a friend on speed dial, if something's happening, ring them, have a code word with them. If you need help, reach out to someone close you trust, like if you need me, my links will be in the thing. Even if you just got to send me message and say, no sugar, free your dream. I will know what it means. I can help, I can connect you. So it's simple as having something that is between one or two people.
that's gonna let them know that something's happened. Sometimes if you're like close proximity, which isn't as much these days, like they recommend a certain towel hung different ways, but it's being able to trust and confide in someone. And if the friend you're talking to doesn't wanna believe you, find someone else. Don't stop asking or asking for help or finding someone because someone else said they couldn't help you. My details will be below, reach out to me. I have a massive connection now with many people in various states, in different countries.
that can help connect you with the right people to make sure you're safe. We can help you sit down and work out safety plans. We can help you work out what to do when you leave. And obviously I don't want to give too much about what would be included in a safety plan because I don't want people who shouldn't know this to know it. But it's going through those things and having someone that's walked it, been through it, that is going to help. Yes, some of the government organisations, not-for-profits are definitely better than others.
Having backup phones. and this is probably a real frustration that I've got at the moment, keep some cash. They don't want us to have cash, it's a form of control, but you always want to make sure you've got some cash on you. Because cash is going to get you away where it's not traceable, it's not tracked. Set up your own bank accounts. People say, but we're married, we should have our own. You don't need to tell anyone you've got it or what you're doing.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (30:32)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (30:47)
Even if it needs to be in a friend's name, have somewhere that you can put money that is safe, that is your own. And don't transfer it from a joint bank account to another account. Again, if you've got to get cash. There are plenty of ways that we can get cash and it's about, I guess, being creative. And if you're not sure, this is where I want you to reach out. Because I don't want to sit here and give away all these ideas and then someone will go, oh, if they're checking your bank statements. Well, she only spent $30 at the shop, but there's $50 out or they're found invoices.
But there's different ways you can do it. There are different ways you can connect. But again, it's raising the awareness. It's talking more about it and putting things in place to be able to actually help people. So they've got a way forward. But the thing is, many of us go back. I did it. Why? Because knowing what I was experiencing was better than the unknown. Everyone criticizes us for going back. If you've got, don't know what's gonna happen here.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (31:40)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (31:41)
but I know what's happening here. I've got a roof over my head. I've got food in my belly. Often we'll go back to that safe option. And this is where we really need to provide more support, more advocacy, more connection to necessarily prevent no cycles. Or if they're going back, hopefully it's with someone who does want to change. And I'm not saying all perpetrators won't change. Some will listen to this and go, shit, I've done that to my wife. I've done that to my mum. My mum did it. I want help to change. And that's what we want as well. We want people who want to change.
for themselves, for their families as well. So people will think, it's not for them. This is for anyone on both sides. Because without that acknowledgement, the awareness, nothing can change.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (32:24)
Yeah, sorry, we lost you again. Yeah, we keep losing you. ⁓ But just on what you were saying, I did want to say with the people can change. I know from my own experience and my husband has admitted it on on his show or on talking to people that at one point.
Alyson Richelle (32:25)
Okay, I said it.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (32:52)
in our relationship, he was very verbally abusive. We were in a very bad spot at one stage. ⁓ I'd lost my mum to cancer. One of our boys was born two weeks later. He was preemie, had some issues. Jeff had chronic pain flare up from where he had a horse jump on his neck. He was hurting. He was angry. We were in a world of
of Het.
And I thought about leaving several times and I came very, close to leaving, but he hit rock bottom and...
If our son had not walked into the bathroom at that particular moment, Jeff probably would be dead. ⁓ My little boy who had slept through the night, for some reason he got up, walked into the bathroom, asked dad, what are you doing? As Jeff had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and pills in the other. But that...
realising that something had to change. He then reached out, got the help that he needed. I also got help that I needed and we were then able to move forward from that and put our relationship back together. But I am one of the lucky ones that yes, he did change. Do we still have problems? Yes, we've been married for 16 years and
I will freely admit there are times when he drives me absolutely insane, but I think that's called marriage. But he never hit me.
He did make me question myself, but then part of him working through all of his stuff was he will realize now if he's falling into that pattern and stop himself. Or all I need to say is, hey, you're being a bit of a... And that's enough to interrupt that pattern. So, people can change.
And if you can be safe while working through that change, then by all means give it a try. But if it comes down to a question of your safety, your life and all your children's lives, then reach out, get the help that you need to get away from that.
and Alison can help with that. So we'll have, yeah, go.
Alyson Richelle (35:35)
and that's really important.
important what you said there Sarah, people
will change and can change. Just like I can change, you can change. It takes a person wanting to change themselves and we've got to remember that we've got to stop enabling these people to do it. They've got to want to change, they've got to take the steps themselves. There's no point you saying I want you to change, I've booked you into AA, I've booked you into accounts or I've booked you into all these things. If they can't take the initiative to change for themselves, they're not going to change.
Just like if you need help and want to go to the doctor, you book yourself into the doctor. It's the same with a relationship issue. It's the same with the past. You need to step up and take an action of courage. You've got to do the work. You've got to understand the traumas. And again, as I said, we're humans, so we have so much baggage that is going to impact us on different sides. And your story was perfect about how one thing might not have snapped, but when you accumulate and accumulate and add all the pieces together, it's too much for everyone.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (36:18)
You've got to do the work.
Alyson Richelle (36:35)
Everything happens for a reason. People go, but it happened to me. No, why is it happening? What are you learning from it? What are you not changing? And I'm not saying that anyone deliberately stays in a relationship to get hurt, to be yelled at. But if you're not saying stop as well, if you're not making the changes, if you're not addressing any of your behaviors or what they're doing, you have to accept a degree of responsibility because it takes two. If it's just you in this bubble and you do nothing,
Sarah Jordan-Ross (36:36)
Mmm. Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (37:05)
that's on you. But if you've got a partnership and you choose to do nothing and allow their behaviour, just like they allow yours, you're becoming codependent. You're allowing it to continue. So it's not going to change for anyone. So each of us need to be responsible for ourselves, for our own action, for our help, so we can be that best version of ourselves, to then be the best partner, the best wife, the best family member, the best friend, by working on ourselves and then...
we both need to work together because there are going to be different bits from our past. And I know with mine, I was very much that problem solver. was the fighter, let's go get it, we've got to change. Whereas the other person was very much the avoidant and withdrawal. I don't want to acknowledge it. So we clashed. He'd seen me trying to problem solve an attack. He wanted to run away. I saw him running away as avoiding it. So it went back and forth, back and forth and didn't work until I realised why I was doing and what he was doing. And it's like, all right.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (37:52)
Yeah. Sweep the problem under the carpet, it'll go away.
Alyson Richelle (38:03)
He doesn't want a problem solved. I want a problem solved. I've got a problem solved for me. I can let him avoid. He's got to do what he needs to do. I've got to do what I can do. And we're still in that position. I can only control myself, what I choose, what I'm doing. And I have to let him do what he has to do. Even if it's going to hurt me emotionally, like at the end of the day, I've got to let go. I can't control it and I can only do what I can control. I can be that safe space and provide
opening arms for my children when they need it, but I can't stop what they're doing either. I need to let them experience it because the only way they will really learn as well is to experience, to see the different sides. They will see what's been said and done. Our kids aren't silly and as much as it hurts for me that have been alienated from their kids, their kids don't see them, don't talk to them, they're mums or dads, or the kids have been taken by the court system, from pretty much everyone I've spoken to.
their kids have come back and realised the truth at the end of the day. So all you can do is be true and consistent to yourself, available, be open to them, encourage that relationship with the other partner if necessary. Because at the end of the day, you chose each other to be together and you created these kids together. So there was something there in the beginning. And sometimes, yes, if it was a rape or something, there might not have been that relationship, but likely you haven't stayed together.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (39:23)
Yeah.
Alyson Richelle (39:30)
if it was a rape, but whereas most relationships you've been together, had children, you stay together before you separate. So there was usually a good period there and that's what you've to remember. You guys chose these kids. Do what is best for these kids because then they can help change cycles down the track. We don't want things to keep repeating and repeating.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (39:48)
That's it, we need to be the change that we wanna see. So for me, my hope is that I am raising my boys so that the girls around them don't have to constantly be asking themselves, I safe? Is this where I wanna be? That they can know and raise them that they protect those around them.
But that's a whole other issue as well. yeah, there's so many things that don't get talked about as much as they should. So many issues that so many of us do have varying experiences of. And Alison, I want to thank you for coming on today and talking about one of those that really does need to be
Alyson Richelle (40:18)
Yes.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (40:43)
talked about much more than it is because it's only by talking about it that we might actually change things and help break those cycles so that coercion and control and physical violence are no longer part of the relationship landscape that we all have to navigate.
Alyson Richelle (41:07)
Definitely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (41:09)
So to everyone who's listening, if something in today's conversation resonated with you, know this, you're not alone, you're not crazy, you're not broken. If you feel like you're in a dangerous or controlling situation, I'll be sharing some resources in the show notes. Please reach out to someone who can help you.
You don't have to do it alone. Remember that healing can be really messy, but it is possible and you deserve it.
Alyson Richelle (41:47)
Definitely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (41:48)
Yeah, so until next time on Taboo. Yep, go for it, Alison.
Alyson Richelle (41:48)
And I kiss.
Well, you listen, it doesn't matter where you're based,
I can help direct you in the right place and the right people, whether or not you're Australia based, I'm in Australia, but I do have international connections that I can help connect you with where you are, because domestic abuse is global. It's not something that's one state, one place, one town. Anyone can experience it, regardless of your age, race, culture. So if you're not sure where to go,
Sarah Jordan-Ross (42:12)
It is.
Alyson Richelle (42:19)
reach out and we can direct you in the right location wherever you are based. So don't feel because you're not in Australia you are alone because you're not alone.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (42:27)
Yes.
No, and a few weeks ago I had, it's on the show from Libertas International, they rescue kids from trafficking and they have a large support network as well, not just for that side of things, but also for abuse wherever it happens. So yeah, between us, we will be able to get you in contact with
someone who can help you so please reach out so that we can help you.
And until next time.
Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Remember that you are not alone and that your story matters and sharing your story may be the thing that makes the difference to someone else. So please keep sharing them. And please, if you are in a situation where you need help, please reach out.
to me, to Alison, to one of the organizations that we list in the show notes. Just please know that you are not alone and help is out there.
and we'll see you next time on Taboo Talk and we'll break more silence, foster hope and talk about more tough stuff so you know you're not alone. Bye for now.