In this gentle but potent conversation, Sarah speaks with Maria Phipard—a parenting coach and somatic grief guide—about the hidden emotional terrain so many mothers walk alone. Maria shares her story of navigating her son’s mental health crises, including suicide attempts, and the way it cracked her open, forcing her to look at her own patterns, grief, and beliefs. Together, they explore the quiet suffering many women endure while “holding it all together,” the intergenerational weight we often carry unconsciously, and how real healing starts with slowing down and listening—to ourselves and to our children. This episode is a lifeline for anyone who's ever felt stretched thin, silenced by shame, or broken by the complexity of loving someone through darkness.
👤 About Maria Phipard:
Maria Phipard is a parenting coach and somatic grief guide who helps overwhelmed, self-sacrificing women return to themselves. Her work is rooted in lived experience—particularly her journey through her son’s mental health struggles—and weaves together nervous system awareness, inner child work, and a trauma-informed, compassionate lens.
⏱️ Key Moments & Timestamps:
00:00 – Opening thoughts: what society doesn’t prepare us for as mothers
04:20 – Maria’s story: when her son began struggling with suicidal ideation
08:30 – “I didn’t know how to help him—and that broke me”
13:10 – The role of shame, suppression, and inherited beliefs
17:45 – Learning to meet herself with compassion instead of criticism
21:50 – The body as a compass: somatic healing and nervous system work
27:30 – Parenting from presence, not fear
33:00 – Grieving what we thought motherhood would be
37:20 – The power of being witnessed without judgment
40:00 – What Maria wants other mothers to know
42:00 – The conversation we need to be having but aren’t
44:30 – Where to find and connect with Maria
💬 Notable Quotes:
“I was trying to hold it all together, and inside I was crumbling.”
“I thought I had to fix him—but really, I needed to come home to myself.”
“We can’t parent from a place of presence when we’re stuck in survival.”
“I started grieving the version of motherhood I had imagined—and made space for what was real.”
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:01) Welcome back to Taboo Talk with Sarah, the podcast that breaks the silence, fosters hope and tackles this tough stuff so you never feel alone. I'm your host, Sarah Jordan Ross. I'm a wellness coach, mum of three, and I've spent the last 25 years or so holding space for real honest conversations. The kind you won't always find on the highlight reel, but the kind we need to be having. Today, I'm thrilled to welcome Maria Fepard.
Maria Phipard (00:18)
Okay.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:28)
a dedicated parenting coach and founder of Parents with Purpose. Maria specializes
in guiding parents through the complexities of raising children with empathy and confidence. Her journey into coaching is interesting and her approach is both compassionate and practical. Maria, welcome to Taboo Talk. It's great to have you here.
Maria Phipard (00:51)
Thank you for having me, Sara. It's exciting to be here, yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:57)
So can you tell us a little bit about what led you into becoming a parenting coach? Because it's not the typical traditional career route.
Maria Phipard (01:08)
Yeah, I think this career chose me more than I chose it because, you know, life happens, hard experiences, years ago my son started to have suicidal thoughts and the system failed us, medications made him worse, you know, misdiagnosis.
professionals who didn't really listen to him didn't listen to me and I had to become the Expert that my son needed it was like just for him what he needed how to needed to be parent So that he could get out of that depression that that was crushing him and I had to figure out how to do it and there was Nobody to help me. I did a lot of research. I read a bunch of books listen to
podcasts, tech talks, you name it. And there was no services that what I provide right now, that's what I do. I coach families who have children who are struggling with suicidal ideation. Parenting itself, it's tough. When a child is suicidal, one of the phrases that I use is transcending parenting because that's what we need to do to be able to help them.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (02:20)
Yes.
Maria Phipard (02:34)
to be present beyond what we normally have to be present, to be ⁓ compassionate with them, respectful, and to just be there for them, to be intentional with everything we do, everything we say, and to show them they are capable, they are not broken, they are just struggling.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (02:56)
to be that hand that helps them up when they're falling down but also sits beside them in that struggle and helps them to realize that they're not broken they just need a little extra help to get where they need to be. So thank you that you do help parents navigate that because as you said parenting's a tough gig at the best of times when your kids are struggling
with something like suicide, it just makes it all that more difficult and it's not something that anything prepares us for.
Maria Phipard (03:35)
Absolutely not. It's unnatural that a child wants to die. We think of them as somebody who sees, you know, they want to figure out who they want to be, what they're going to do. You don't see them planning how to disappear, how to go away. You don't think that. It's not natural to think that. And then learning that is just shocking. And parents, we also go through trauma when this happens. It's the idea of losing our
Children is, I mean, beyond scary. Beyond scary. It's awful. So we also don't think straight. We don't. Because we are afraid and we think, we treat them like if they are made out of crystal and that only hurts them. It doesn't help them at all. They need to know that they are capable because for what they are going through, they don't need pity.
They need empathy for sure, but not pity. And they can do it. Like my son now, he's doing great. He's helping other children who are going through the same thing. He has saved lives already because he went through that experience and he took it the way he was supposed to take it as a learning experience, as a life experience. And I'm really proud of him. And yeah, we both had to work a lot to overcome.
And all I did was just to be there for him, just to be present and to hold him while he was doing the work that he needed to be doing. Because you can put a bandaid on a bruised knee, but there's no bandaid for a mental illness, for depression, for any of that.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (05:26)
So you found what you needed to do and be to help your son and you've taken that and now turned it into helping other parents. So what are some of the tools that you give parents to help them navigate that very difficult journey between and stuck in that hard place between wanting to wrap your kids in bubble wrap because you don't want them to get
Maria Phipard (05:33)
Yes.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (05:57)
get hurt, but knowing that they need something different to that, that that's actually going to be more harmful. So how do you help parents navigate that tricky space?
Maria Phipard (06:07)
Well, I work with families and we talk about their own experience because every family is different, every family dynamic depends on their ethnicity, depends on the age of the parents, the age of the kids. So we make a very personalized plan for them and to help them go through their very personal situation. And we just start by being emotionally present.
without suppressing any emotion, without telling them what to think, how to feel, because it's just absurd that we do that, and we do that as parents. When they feel, just, I feel like nobody likes me. ⁓ come on, don't say that. Of course people like you. You're the nicest kid in the world. If he or she, if they don't feel that, and it's not helpful because we are not seeing them, they don't feel seen.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (06:46)
Yeah.
It doesn't help.
Maria Phipard (07:04)
They feel that way so they say why am I feeling this and why is she saying something different of? What I feel and what I see because they go to school and they really don't feel seen what they're telling us is real so instead of Acknowledging what what's going on with our kids we tell them what to think or what to do and that's not the reality It's it's average. It's not the reality so it starts with that just being present and then ask real questions
without judgment. They can read the judgment in our voices, in our body language. When they are trying to tell us something, if they feel judged, they're just going to shut down. They're not going to ask anything else. They're not going to say anything else because they don't feel accepted and they feel judged. So that's something that is super important when we talk to them. And then...
We also need to remove the pressure of trying to fix them and just show up and listen. It's useful to listen to them while we are doing something because they don't feel the pressure of just us looking at them in the eyes. Like if we are cooking dinner or doing the dishes or walking the dog or driving, things like that, they open up easier that way and they don't feel that pressure.
And sometimes if they start telling us something that is hard to hear, we just go in panic mode and we freeze or we stop them and we tell them, no, no, no, no, why are you saying that? No, no, why are you feeling that way? Now, my God, my God, you know, if they are telling us something that is scary, if they say, I just feel like I don't want to wake up tomorrow. And then if we start crying, if we start to...
⁓ to shut down, they are going to do the same. And kids, especially boys, they are very protective. So if they feel struggling, if they feel that ⁓ what's going on with them is affecting us in a very deep level, also they're not going to tell us anything. And that is the most dangerous thing that can happen to a parent. When our kids just shut down, they don't want to share.
what's going on with them. There's no way for us to help if we don't know what's going on and I don't know how many times I've heard parents who have lost their children to suicide say that. I had no idea. I never knew. He or she, were successful, they seemed happy and they seemed just like a normal kid and then one day, they are just gone. If we don't open up that space for them,
they are in danger if you know if they are having these thoughts and we never know so and then we have to also check our homes and not remove anything that is dangerous if we have the suspicion that they want to harm themselves and we need to also get them help but many times we don't see if the help is working or not
And not every therapist is made to help just any kid. There's different techniques, different personalities. If it's a woman or a man, if it's older, younger, there's many, factors that play here. So we have to see results. If our kid never wants to go to their therapist, that's a red flag. They're going to resist at the beginning, but if they are really getting...
help they need, they are going to want to go to see the therapist. Because they feel hurt, they feel like they are getting tools to get better. So if none of that is happening, when we fire them, there's many. And there's nothing wrong with that therapist. Same way there's nothing wrong with our kids, just, they're not a good match. Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (11:20)
And that's the thing that these kids, need to be able to find that safe space to open up, whether it's with a therapist or with their parents. And the common theme with suicide appears to be that that whole nobody ever knew they didn't know that somebody was struggling. And I'll admit that was part of why I started this show was a song came on the radio.
called Whiskey Lullaby and it is actually about suicide and one of the lines in that is, nobody ever knew. it's, yeah, nobody ever knew because nobody talks about it. We all go through these silent struggles thinking we're all by ourselves and nobody understands, nobody sees us, nobody hears us.
Maria Phipard (12:06)
Yes.
Yeah, let's go.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (12:14)
We need to have those
conversations of the, you're not alone.
Maria Phipard (12:19)
Yeah, and just talk about it because it happens a lot and it's just a normal feeling. It's a normal human feeling. The same way that we take our children to the doctor if they have a broken leg, we have to ask for their mental health and ask those real questions. Have you ever thought about killing yourself and have you ever thought about harming yourself? How are things at school? How are they treating you? Do you like going to school?
pretend they are sick or whatever when they have to go to school, there's something there going on. And sometimes we just choose to be blind because we are overwhelmed with work, with life, with whatever, and we don't see those things. So ⁓ it starts with prevention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. we are also human. I'm not judging anybody. I just want to create awareness.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (13:07)
And if we're overwhelmed, odds are, so are kids.
Maria Phipard (13:19)
and to tell parents out there to have these conversations with their kids and to spend real time with them, quality time, not just sit on the table or in front of the TV and looking at their phone or things like that. Go on a date with them. Take them out for ice cream or breakfast or I don't know, go to a theme park. There's so many things that they can just walk.
in nature, go kayaking, something, whatever the kids enjoy and take them on a date.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (13:55)
Hating your kids
is actually f-
Maria Phipard (13:57)
Yes! They are lot of fun and they are... I have found that... I have found also that they are very wise and then we adults dismiss them because ⁓ they are children they don't know what they're talking about. No! Like my child he was very little he... they are aware of things that we... we just kind of get... we lose these things because we are so busy and...
So there's so much noise in the world that there's things we don't see and they are not like that. Their minds still are very pure and my son has taught me many things and made me reflect a lot of things with the way I was parenting him. ⁓ Like if I told him to do something and he would find an easy way to do it. And I was like...
But why did you do it that way? I told you to do it this way. Because the way you said it was harder than the way that I found that I can do it. I wanted you to do it that way to learn like that. I know it's a struggle, but it's okay to struggle in life. But why am I going to struggle if I can do it easy? Why do want me to struggle if I can do it easy? And I had no answer for that. And he says things like, why do parents want us to struggle at home?
At home I want to feel safe, I don't want to feel like it's the streets. I don't care if the neighbor or the person in the store yells at me, but if you yell at me, that hurts me. And he's very honest and very open like that. And I think the thing that I did right is I listened. And he said, was like, yeah, it makes sense. Why would I want him to...
to struggle to do something that can be done easier and it's smart to do things faster or in an easier way so why am I going to tell them not to?
And if we create that saved post...
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:01)
that's the thing I suppose.
Maria Phipard (16:05)
Okay.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:05)
Creating that safe space for them to be who they are and do things their way because quite often it's like but that's how I do it so I want you to do it the same. We forget that their brains may not be wired exactly the same way as ours are or maybe they see stuff that we don't because yes children have innate wisdom that we sometimes
don't give them credit for.
Maria Phipard (16:32)
Yeah, I have found that and talking with teenagers is fascinating. It's really fascinating. Beyond the silliness, beyond the talks about farts and things like that, especially boys love to talk about that.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:47)
used to love a good fat joke.
Maria Phipard (16:50)
Right and smells and things like that. No, they there's There you go, so, you know Yeah So I think if we create that safe space, we don't have to wait for a crisis We don't have to wait for them to be suicidal to start thinking about that then we can Then we can ⁓
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:55)
I'm the mother of three boys.
Maria Phipard (17:17)
Whenever they struggle they're going to come to us and they're gonna tell us and then we can help them then we can find the right help then if You know, I had a really really bad bad experience also with one of those hospitals where they put kids when they become suicidal and I learned horrible things about these places So I'm not proud those places unless there's like a really really bad situation when they need to be watched 24-7 and
If the parents are not able to do it, of course, you know, their safety is first. But yeah, I think if we can do it at home, if we are able to do that, sometimes maybe it's easier to just ask for time off at work and do it ourselves than to pay all those bills from those hospitals because it's really expensive also. So.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (18:10)
Yes.
Maria Phipard (18:12)
If we create that space then if they are struggling they're gonna come to us and they're gonna feel like they can't tell us anything. Like we are not going to start crying and if they tell us that somebody's bullying them at school we're not going to go and yell at the teacher and the principal and everybody because we're just going to embarrass them. We have to stay steady. That's what our children want from us when there's trouble. And if we want to cry it's totally fine to cry.
It's totally fine to show emotion, but also for them to see us coming back to be steady. To know that they can come to us and we are in charge. They act like they know it all and you know, they're smart asses sometimes. But really they know they don't know everything. And it's very stressful for them when we...
allow them to take charge because they are just not capable. know, the frontal cortex is just not fully developed and that's why there's so many children having accidents and that's, least in the United States, that's the first cause of death in children and adolescents and young adults is accidents. Because of that, they don't think. It's fun, let's do it.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (19:38)
Yeah. And as a general rule, little kids, fear is a learned response. And although some, and I'm thinking of my youngest and he does have ADHD, the child is fearless. He, he doesn't seem to sense danger. Like one example, he thought that riding his, he was moving his balance bike from the front of the house to the back of the house and he's taken it.
Maria Phipard (19:39)
Yeah.
Hehehehe
Sarah Jordan-Ross (20:06)
through the house and he's at the back steps and I hear him yell, Mom, Sasha, who is our dog, won't let me past. I go out and say, good girl Sasha, cause she's standing on the top step, gone, not on my watch tiny human. Cause he's about to ride his balance bike down 14 concrete steps. He thought it was a good idea. I'm really glad that my dog thought it was a really bad idea and stopped him. But it's just like.
Maria Phipard (20:26)
Wow.
God bless your dog.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (20:36)
She, ⁓ my son doesn't have that filter to go, this is perhaps not the best of ideas. And, yeah, and yeah, there's little things that they don't realize until something happens that that's dangerous or that they don't, don't spot that. They just think it's fun and want to go do it.
Maria Phipard (20:37)
⁓ it's true.
Yeah, there's so many kids like that.
Even if they break legs, it's like they celebrated, like did something cool and yeah, they don't...
Sarah Jordan-Ross (21:08)
Yeah!
Yeah
The rule in my house
is, like, cause yes, I have three boys. They do things like have lightsaber battles or climb anything, everything, that sort of thing. And I don't want to wrap them in, in bubble wrap and stop them from exploring and doing those things. So I came up with the, yeah, okay. When you do that, can we at least try for no hospital visits?
And hospital visits only happen if what they do to themselves is beyond either my first aid training or what I've got in my kit. thankfully it's been. ⁓ yep, that needs stitches or glue more so these days or yep, that's broken.
Maria Phipard (21:44)
Yeah
Yeah.
my God. Yeah, well, that's who they are and that's what they do. you know, we just have to be there for them because it's just life. And they also have to live life and learn from all those experiences. We deprive them from that, then they become, like, non-confident and insecure and...
Sarah Jordan-Ross (22:18)
Yeah.
Maria Phipard (22:33)
they don't think they can do wonderful things and sometimes those kids, my god, jump from really high and then they fall like they are cats. Nothing happens to them. It's just amazing. I don't know how they do it. But it's a skill and that's they learn it.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (22:49)
And I suppose we need to, as parents, let them do that, but give them that safe place to fall, knowing that we will be there and we will pick them up and dust them off and say, well, what do you need to go try whatever that next thing is. You touch note, we need to create that environment where they can come to us and share what's really going on for them.
Maria Phipard (23:19)
Yes. And treat them with respect. We parents expect respect from them, but then we don't want to respect them as people. And they are people. They're just little or sometimes not so much. Teenagers are always taller than moms. But they are people and they have their own ideas and it's their life. these things we say all the time like, ⁓ I know you better than you know yourself or...
I know everything about you and we don't and we live in a very, very different time and we never experienced what they have experienced. Like we didn't experience COVID as children. We didn't experience, you know, this social media bullying going on and the phones, everybody's on their phones and this disconnect we have now as people. So...
No, I wouldn't like to be a teenager at this time. So that's also another assumption I to get rid of. ⁓
Sarah Jordan-Ross (24:24)
No. No, me either.
Yeah. And if we think we know them better than they know themselves, we should probably make sure that they know themselves as well as we think we know them.
Maria Phipard (24:40)
Yeah,
Sarah Jordan-Ross (24:40)
Just my little,
little take on it.
Maria Phipard (24:43)
You're right. I'm sure we know a lot about them. We know when they are lying, we know if they are down, things like that. We live with them, that's just normal. And we have a special connection with them. We know, that's us moms. But we don't know everything about them. They hide a lot of things from us. Let's make sure that it's not the important things.
they are hiding from us because then we can't be there for them. And that's when tragedies happen and we don't want that. So we want to create that space. And that's what I do. I guide parents through all of that. ⁓ The cyber protection also, it's very, very common in parents. They don't let them fail if they forget the computer at home or
homework or whatever then they take it if they are failing or will let's get you a tutor or whatever and they if they are failing because they are struggling like they really have like a learning learning disabilities or troubles like my son is dyslexic and he needed extra help for sure but if I notice that he has a bad grade and science or social social studies that he I know he can do very well I'm not gonna get him any extra help because he's just
choosing to do something else instead of studying. So if I do that, then I'm just not helping him at all. So all these things are really hard to do when they do it with a coach. The coach is pushing them to a point, know, this is happening. So what do want to do about this? And with just with very meaningful and deep questions, we help them to.
understand themselves as parents and what their goals are, where they want to go and what they need to accomplish to go to that place where they want to be because it's very hard. It's very hard and there's like there's parents that I just I can't work with. I just tell them I'm sorry but I can't coach because they are not ready. They are very comfortable where they are.
And they tell me like I don't think I can do that with my child just to let them fail I can't do that Then I can't coach them that they they're just going to stay the way they are and that's their choice So I have to respect that But yeah, it takes it takes some courage to get out of that place because it's very hard just their word is I think it's super super worth it. It's long term it's not immediate and
And it's hard, but it's totally worth it. Especially if it means that our children are gonna be okay. We don't have to be worrying every night if they're going to wake up the next morning. Like, you I went through that and it's very, very hard. There's that thought every morning. And I don't, I'm not afraid like that anymore. And it's not because he's never gonna get depressed like that. mean, he just went through something like that.
some troubles and he started to get depressed again a few months ago, like two or three months ago. And we already know what to do. Like he comes to me and then we talk and then there's supplements I give him and a tea and then I just let him talk, talk, talk and I'm just there for him. And he gave me things that he likes carving in wood.
So he had some knives and he gave me the knives that he had and it's like a dance we already know and even though he told me that ⁓ I didn't get scared I didn't freak out because we ⁓ already know what to do. He knows what to do, I know what to do. He trusts me that I'm going to be there for him just to support him. I don't tell him what to say, what to think. I don't...
⁓ minimize his feelings. don't let him, I don't tell him not to cry or not to be sad. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry. And then he just processes all his feelings and then the next morning he was fine.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (29:16)
And that's the thing, we have to feel those feelings in order to deal with them. can't, as cliche as it sounds, you can't heal something that you're not prepared to feel. sometimes we squash down what we say are the bad emotions, like anger, resentment, those kind of things. But we forget that they're two sides of a coin. If you squash down all the
so-called bad feelings, you end up squashing down the good ones and disconnecting from them as well and then actually feeling things becomes really hard. So we need to create that space where it's safe for our kids to just feel whatever it is they're feeling and for us to help them work through that and create that space where they can do that.
Maria Phipard (29:48)
So cool.
Yeah
Sarah Jordan-Ross (30:14)
with us so that then we actually do know what's going on with them and then can help them with where they're struggling and they know like your son did when that struggle comes up again I can go to mum and she's gonna come alongside me and help me she's not gonna tell me what to do because sometimes the person who's struggling
Maria Phipard (30:23)
Yeah, of course.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (30:42)
They know what to do.
on some level, they just need somebody to help them get it out and figure it out.
Maria Phipard (30:50)
Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (30:52)
And I'm glad that people like you train parents on how to do that because well, most things that we do in life, we get taught how to do them or shown how to do them. yeah, okay. Sometimes we have great parents in our lives as, as role models, but it's not something that everybody has. there's not so much a, a rule book on
how to do it or a follow this recipe and your kids gonna turn out fine. It would be great if there was or if there was a one size fits all. So you do this for that kid and you do the same thing for that kid and it's all gonna be exactly the same. That would make life way too simple though. Cause I know my three boys could not be more different if they tried. And the things that work for one of them.
Maria Phipard (31:39)
you
Okay.
Yeah.
don't work for the other ones. Exactly. And we need to learn how to parent each kid because they have different needs and it's the same with every family. And the same as in schools, they teach all the children the same way, the same things and it just doesn't work. It doesn't work. I love the Montessori system because they don't teach that way. I love that system.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (31:53)
It doesn't work.
Maria Phipard (32:18)
And with kids it's the same and when they are struggling we treat them as they are broken and they are not. They're just struggling, they are overwhelmed and emotionally isolated. They feel unseen, they feel all these many feelings so we just have to sit with them and sometimes they talk and if we let them talk we just sit.
quietly listening to them, they talk to themselves and they come up with the solutions themselves. Like the same thing that we will tell them, that we are, you it's like the struggle is real because you want to tell them just so many things and you want to give advice and all that. And it's like almost I have to bite my tongue not to do anything. But he starts, he starts talking and talking and then he comes up with what I wanted to say.
on his own, he already knows these things and he just needs a space where he can be himself and he can talk and all that and process his feelings and then I think he goes like this is silly like why am I even thinking why am I being worrying about these things no no this is not who I am and if this person if this happens with this person then blah blah blah they figure it out sorry they figure it out by themselves we just sit there with them
And it's amazing to see, honestly, it's amazing to see how they figure these things out because that's when real healing happens. It's not some...
Sarah Jordan-Ross (33:58)
Okay, are you still there?
Maria Phipard (33:59)
yeah what I was saying is that it's amazing to see them figure it out because that's real Healing like happening in real time in front of my eyes It's not something they learn from somebody else. It's not something that was taught to them that was you know I didn't have to lecture him on it or in on anything they figure it out themselves and It's like you can see in their faces, you know like something
something clicking and that's real healing and that's real learning and they just go through it. The only way to move forward is through. So that's what I have seen and I love my work. It's very hard, especially because I went through that experience just to hear other parents talking about their experience. Kind of brings back memories and things like that, but
Sarah Jordan-Ross (34:28)
light bulb.
Maria Phipard (34:57)
I really think this is my purpose and it happened to me for a reason and I didn't get any help. It was very hard for me. I had to learn many, many things by myself, read all the books, listen to all the podcasts, all the tech talks and all that. And I was able to create this program and to help parents and families and to give them the help that I didn't have.
And that I think is very important because time is of the essence when our kids are struggling with suicidal ideation. We can't wait that long. Sometimes, you know, there's parents who have kids, you know, they have attempted suicide several times. Normally, girls are the ones who do that and kids are more successful, I'm sorry, boys are more successful when they try to do it, they normally succeed.
they try harder things than girls. But yeah, we don't want that, like we want to help them as soon as possible and we want to prevent that from happening and create that space in our houses. We are powerful, parents are powerful. We don't need to have some expert to come and tell us what to do with our kids. We have that power. This is great news because it depends on us. If we create this space in our homes and you know, we create these relationships with our kids.
then we can help them. We don't need to go through all that system or to wait for somebody to help them. We can do it ourselves. Nobody's going to care as much as we do for them, that's for sure. Psychiatrists, colleges, counselors, they have a lot of patients, a lot of people. For them it's just another one. And for us it's like our whole lives, our kids.
So that's great news the way I see it. It's great news that we have the power, that we can do something about it. We don't have to wait for somebody to come and rescue us.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (37:05)
And if you think your kid is struggling, chances are they are. So start the conversation. And is there anything that you'd love to tell parents who are in that overwhelmed, I know my kid is struggling, but I don't know how to help them? What advice do you have for them? Apart from listening?
Maria Phipard (37:28)
First is to...
If they think they are already struggling, first is to take care of things to make their homes safe. I'm talking about removing anything that could be harmful. Ropes, guns, knives, ⁓ substances, whatever, know, cleaning stuff. Some kids, they harm themselves with that and get them the help they need. Make sure that is the right help.
get involved, not just go and you know fill out the paperwork and just leave them there. Talk to the therapist, see what they are about, see if they have experience with whatever is going on with your kids, whatever it is, and you know how many years of experience they have and it's very important to see if your child connects with them because if they don't connect with that
Provider they're not going to open up to them and then what's the point? Yeah, so that's the first thing and and then Presence and to create that safe space for them that is crucial If we don't do that, then they're not going to open up and if they are struggling they're not going to tell us they're just going to stay there where they are and Just ask hard questions
Are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about suicide? That is not going to make them to want to commit suicide. That is not how it works. It's not us giving them ideas. It's opening up this conversation. It's something that is normal. It happens to people, not to everybody. Same way that not everybody has lupus, not everybody has...
any illness that we can think about the same way. Not everybody struggles with mental health and it's just normal for whoever struggles with that to have it. just normalize those conversations. It doesn't have to be taboo anymore. It doesn't mean they are weak. It doesn't mean they are less than. And so if we treat them like that, that don't tell anybody, just no, no, no. If we tell that in the school, then they're not going to... ⁓
that you are worth it or worthy of this scholarship or to going into this program or whatever. It used to be like that years ago here even in the military they would that would be like a red flag for them if they were struggling with their mental health. It's better now it's not ideal but it's better now. But if we normalize it we pines if we normalize it talk to them as you know it's they are
they are sick, it's an illness. And talk to them and ask real questions. Don't be afraid of the answer and be prepared for hard answers because they might say yes. Then what are you gonna do? Visualize that in your head and think what you're gonna say before you ask the question because it's a very hard one. And if they say yes,
If we freak out in front of them, we start crying, if we have a panic attack, if we start to say things like, my god, I've given you everything, what have I done for you? How can you say that you have everything? There's so many kids in the world that would like to be as lucky as you are. And how can you think that you have a wonderful life and they're just gonna shut down? They're gonna feel.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (41:16)
Because while
it looks like you're listening, you're actually making it all about you, not about your kid and what your kid's struggling with.
Maria Phipard (41:22)
Yes.
And that's exactly what we're doing when we say things like that. We feel as a failure, we feel like we failed them as parents. We didn't do things right. We did something that made them become suicidal, which is also, mean, unless we are abusing them and we are putting them down and there's like mental and emotional abuse, things like that, then yeah, that counts a lot.
you know, if they are having this suicidal ideation or if there's domestic violence in the house also, that's a big, big factor. But if not, then no, we didn't cause it and we cannot make it stop. It's not in our hands, it's their job and they are the only ones who can do it. We cannot tell them how to think, how to feel, we cannot fix them. They are not broken. They're just struggling. They just have to go through it.
So, undoing all those things and then just be present, be alert if they are struggling. We can sleep in the same bedroom and make sure they are safe and check on them, things like that, if they are struggling. And don't overwhelm them with questions that are irrelevant. If we see them, they have their head down.
and they look sad and we ask them if they are sad. That's a question that they're just going to dismiss us like really? Do I need to tell you? They need a hug.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (43:03)
Yeah, and sometimes.
Maria Phipard (43:04)
They need a word.
They need a word like, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm really sorry, I'm here for you. What do you need?
Sarah Jordan-Ross (43:14)
And that's it, when we see them struggling.
Be for them what you would want if you were in their shoes. yeah, when we're having a bad day, we want somebody to give us a hug and say, it's okay, or it's gonna be okay, or what do you need? How can I help you? But we also need to be prepared to ask those hard questions. But when we do, and...
Maria Phipard (43:41)
you
Sarah Jordan-Ross (43:44)
really like Tay said, if you're gonna ask the question, get yourself prepared for what the answer might be before so that you can actually handle it in a way that is going to be helpful. Because when somebody's struggling, the last thing they need is to see you fall apart because of their struggle. Because then that's just gonna make them feel even worse than they already do.
Maria Phipard (43:59)
you
Yeah, they're gonna feel like the caregiver like okay, so now I have to take care of my mom because she is Scrambling like I need to go and be there for her and tell her okay mom. Don't worry. No, nothing's gonna happen to me I'm gonna be okay When they are not feeling okay, and they don't really believe they are they are feeling like they're gonna be okay They just say it because they don't want their moms to to ⁓ feel that way and you know, like I said
especially boys, they are very protective with their moms and they don't want to see them struggling like that. So the worst thing we can do is to wait. Sometimes we see the signs. I have worked with families, with parents who they saw the signs, but they say things like, I just didn't think that was it. I heard them saying conversations, know, like, sometimes I just wish I didn't, I wasn't here. Sometimes I wish I would just disappear, just didn't.
⁓ wake up in the morning and they they go like he says he was angry so he said it because he was angry and they don't ask for their they don't you know it's that's not the right moment to ask we have to just let them let them just let it all out and then after when they are calm then we ask the question with empathy judgment free like
If they see like the smallest ⁓ sign that we are judging them and we are going to tell them why they shouldn't feel that way or why they are being ungrateful and why they are the luckiest kids in the world and they shouldn't feel that way, they're just gonna shut down. So it's a lot of things and like I said before, we are also going through trauma when...
our kids are struggling. It's a family thing. It's not only us, know, the dads and the siblings also, because they are afraid they can lose their siblings. And then when one of them is struggling, it's like the parents attention goes to that kid. The other ones feel abandoned. So it's a whole family dynamic. And I work with the whole family and also, you know, to ⁓ let them see that. Your other children also know that
you know they exist. Because they're struggling right now, that doesn't mean that you don't love the other ones or you don't care about the other ones. Make time for them, take them also on a date and to do something fun outside of the home where everything is drama because of what's going on right now. And they can be also part of their support system, which is super, super important. That's another thing, if they have a support system, try to...
get the whole system to work for them. If it's the community, the religious community, if they have a religion that helps a lot just to know there's a God and they are perfect the way they are and they are loved the way they are and they have a value as human beings because they are children of God. To know that, that helps a lot. Not for everybody because there's people who are not religious but the ones who are that.
That helps a lot, to get them close to their community, their friends, their grandparents are also a great help.
teachers at school there's sometimes there's a special one who really really cares about them so all the help they can get to is it doesn't it's important that they don't feel overwhelmed and that people have pity for them they just know i'm just here i'm just here let's watch this show and let's just talk or this whatever not to go and talk of whatever they are feeling is and none of that
So I go to the whole family to go through the whole thing and to get their kids to be in a better space. Waiting is the worst thing we can do, so that's what I would tell parents. Get them help. Set your home to be a safe harbor for them, to be a place where they want to come back. If they need to go to a mental health facility for whatever reason, that they come back home and they feel
safe there. They feel they want to be there. Many times these kids, when these kids go to these places, it's because they have lot of troubles at home. they go to the hospital and they get better. They have like therapy, everyday group therapy. They seek counselors, they give them meds or whatever. And then they go home to chaos, to judgment, to narcissistic parents, you know.
It's they go back to whatever they had before because that's what made them have all those problems. So we as parents have a lot to do with them. We can help them. We have that power. We just need to educate ourselves and to put ourselves in that mental space and to believe that we can help them and to think about them and not on
not about us. It's not, you know, how people see us. They're all, everybody's going to think that I'm an awful mother because now you want to kill yourself and they're going to think that I abuse you or something, that I'm a horrible mother because how come your kid wants to kill himself? And yeah, that's not the right attitude to have.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (50:07)
And the reality now, one in four kids will have mental illness of some kind, will struggle with mental health issues. Several. Suicide is the reality. So.
Maria Phipard (50:18)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, 20
% or 20, 20 plus depending on the country. Yeah, in the United States is the second cause of death between kids in, you know, between 10 and 24 years old people.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (50:38)
Yeah, suicide
being the leading cause of death for that age group is... So it's something that so many parents are facing. So the last thing that any of us should do is judge anyone because, well, people in glass houses shouldn't go throwing stones. But what we should do is how can we help and support each other? And our kids are struggling more than they...
ever have. So how can we actually help them not just keep things going? What we've been doing obviously hasn't been working on the whole because we still have a lot of kids who are struggling far more than they need to. And I love how you brought up that it's the whole family. Now I've said for years more so with
Maria Phipard (51:18)
Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (51:33)
with cancer or with chronic illnesses. A person doesn't get those, a family does, and then by extension, a community does because that is going to affect everyone. Now, I know two of my boys do have extra needs. I don't like the term special, but extra needs. And I have one who doesn't.
Maria Phipard (51:43)
Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (52:01)
So I try very hard to make sure that in the midst of all the extra medical appointments or extra things that he doesn't get lost in the mix. And it is little things like taking him for ice cream or playing a game with him or finding that thing that really connects us.
Maria Phipard (52:15)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (52:31)
so that he still feels special too. But yeah, it's... It's... And for the person who's having the issues, letting them know that they're not alone in that.
is a really big thing.
Maria Phipard (52:48)
Yes, and also take
care of ourselves as mothers. ⁓ We immerse in our children's problems when this is going on and if we are not okay, they're not going to be okay. So it's also important to give ourselves time to go and vent. Since we can't express all the fear and all that in front of our children, it's important to go somewhere where we can vent. Get a therapist, get a coach.
Go to your to your priest go to your pastor ⁓ With your best friend your mother whoever your spouse. Well, no topics are both going through the same thing and sometimes you want to It's there's several fights in the family because of that's not everybody needs their own space do something that
Sarah Jordan-Ross (53:37)
You need to find somebody
outside of it that you can go bleh at or with.
Maria Phipard (53:41)
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. And cry and scream and do all those things that you want that you wanted to do when you learn what was going on in your home. Go and do all those things. It's not in front of them because it doesn't help. Do what helps. And, you know, that's all we can do for them. And yeah, it can be done. That's I think.
Talking about these things, you know, I'm having trouble in social media to grow an audience because of the topic. It's suicide and it's kids and all that. And having conversations with people is not... Suicide is not a sexy topic, so people try to avoid it. And we have to stop that. We really have to stop that so that we can help.
people who are going through that because it's just normal, it's a human experience and we can go through it. We just have to normalize it so we can all get help and... ⁓
We can be present and protective and proactive and let them go through the struggle and they're going to become stronger, wiser. I have seen it many times. It's possible. So my message is a positive message. It's not a negative message. It's not a sad, gray message. It's a positive message. We parents have the power to help our children heal.
when they are struggling with suicidal ideation. We don't have to, you know, to depend on anybody else to handle, you know, to give them away like, please fix my kid here, here, please just give me the 2.0 version of my struggling kid because he's broken or something. We can do it ourselves. And that's great news because we don't have to sit and wait. And that's an, that's, those are awesome news.
We are we are taught to To you know depend on doctors and specialists to do it, but at least I mean they they fail me You know I found great ones at the end great ones. I have nothing against there. I have my own therapist I Have nothing against him the psychiatrists that we found at the end. He was awesome It was great. He held my son big time
Sarah Jordan-Ross (55:51)
It is.
Maria Phipard (56:20)
I have absolutely nothing against them. But they are not... We should not leave our kids' life in their hands. Just like that. Like we have to lead that team. We have to be the leaders of that team. And be involved in every meeting and in every decision. Not just do whatever they say. Like all those meds they give them that make them suicidal. They are suicidal and they give them medication that...
would make them commit suicide or, no that's a bad word, would make them kill themselves. How is that possible? They say, it doesn't necessarily happen like that, it happens to some kids but not to all of them. It happens rarely but I don't like rarely, I like never. I don't like rarely. And my son was hallucinating with the medications they were giving him then he...
He was changing, he was not himself, he was very angry, he became like a different person. It's like he didn't show emotion, we were watching a sad movie and normally he would get sad, know, like a puppy movie or something. And even my mother-in-law, she was in the hospital because she had a knee surgery, even though was nothing super bad or super dangerous or anything. He has always been very sweet and compassionate.
He would go on, oh Mimi, I'm sorry that you were going through this, just kidding, yeah, I bring you something. That's what he would do when we want to visit my mother. He just came in and he would say, hey Mimi. And he just sat and nothing, like not even a hug or nothing. He was like, this is not my kid. I don't know who this is, this is not my kid. And many things, you know? So if we are in charge, if we lead the team, we can make sure that...
they are really getting better that they are happy with their therapist that we are happy with whatever they are getting. If they give them medications we have to know so what's the side effects and what our children many parents don't know that they don't know about the side effects and they just say like it's just he's not getting better so give him more medications or change the medication and sometimes it's the medication what's getting them worse.
That was my son's case.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (58:47)
With any problem we need to find what the root cause is and as said we need to remember that parents do have the power to make the difference in their kids lives. So Maria, thank you so much for joining us today and for sharing your journey and the incredible work that you are doing and that there can be a positive message to take out of
the struggles our kids have with suicide, and that is that we have the power to help them. So we should use that. For our listeners, if this conversation resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it, somebody who needs to know that they're not alone in their struggle. You can connect with Maria through her website, parentswithpurpose.coach. You'll find resources, coaching programs, and a whole lot more.
Maria Phipard (59:24)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (59:46)
Please remember.
Maria Phipard (59:46)
Yeah, there's
I have a
Sarah Jordan-Ross (59:48)
get.
Maria Phipard (59:48)
I'm sorry, I
have another webpage now. It's, well, Parents with Purpose is still working too with mariafibartcoaching.com and I provide services in English and in Spanish and my webpage is in both languages and ⁓ you can also find me on ⁓ TikTok at mariafibartparentingcoach and Instagram and I have also a YouTube channel. Mariafibart is...
It's not a very common ⁓ last name. you'll find me if you look for me. You can find me and yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (1:00:25)
And I'll drop all the details
in the show notes as well to make it easy for people to find you. until next time, everyone, remember you are not alone. Your story matters. So please keep telling it until next time. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other. I'm Sarah Jordan Ross and I will see you next time on Taboo Talk.
Maria Phipard (1:00:29)
Thank you.
Thank you, Sarah.