What if the addiction isn't really the whole story—but the thing underneath it is? In this raw and deeply honest conversation, Sarah sits down with One Last Hit author Austin Rampt to explore his decades-long battle with addiction, relapse, shame, and the desperate search for approval and connection. From addiction as a teenager and nearly a decade of sobriety to 22 months in Mexico and losing almost everything, Austin shares what finally helped him confront the belief that he wasn't worthy of love—and why vulnerability, community, and learning to lead with his heart became essential to finding his way back.
🔑 Main Topics & Takeaways
Why tying your worth to achievement can create a lifelong need for approval
The connection between addiction, shame, belonging, and the desire to feel relief
Why wanting connection while fearing vulnerability can keep us trapped
How recovery and healing are rarely a straight or perfect journey
Why community and honest vulnerability are essential to recovery
The powerful realisation that love and worth aren't things we have to earn
🗣️ Memorable Quotes
“That if I achieve, I am somehow worthy. And the flip-flop is also true. If I don't achieve, then somehow I'm not worthy.”
“I was just so deathly afraid that if you saw me, you wouldn't love me.”
“Nothing is beyond repair, but you can't do it alone.”
⏱️ Key Moments & Timestamps
00:00 – Austin's story and the deeper themes of shame, identity, and belonging
01:39 – Childhood anxiety, body shame, and feeling “not good enough”
02:20 – Learning to connect achievement with approval and worth
03:52 – Austin explains the idea of “approval addiction”
05:02 – Wanting connection while being terrified of vulnerability
05:53 – Drinking at 13 and the rapid progression into addiction
07:26 – The accident that burned Austin's family home to the ground
08:22 – Nearly nine years in recovery and the relapse that changed everything
09:43 – Overdose and arriving at detox in stage four renal failure
11:39 – Addiction, destructive relationships, and escalating chaos
12:10 – Police intervention and being ordered into treatment
13:30 – Running from rehab and unexpectedly flying to Cancun
14:29 – Addiction spirals further during Austin's time in Mexico
17:15 – The dangerous belief that never running out of drugs might solve the problem
17:40 – Missing his young daughter and believing he would never see her again
18:15 – 22 months in Mexico and losing almost everything
19:00 – Finding unexpected love and connection with a family who had very little
21:00 – A drug dealer, a gun, and the moment Austin knew he had to leave Mexico
21:49 – The therapist's question that changed Austin's understanding of worth
22:48 – How another man's vulnerability gave Austin permission to face his own shame
23:30 – Understanding the difference between impact and intent
24:30 – Finally asking the question: “Am I actually enough?”
25:57 – Who Austin is today and why recovery hasn't been linear
27:00 – Learning how to become a father
28:10 – Relapse, sobriety, and the importance of recovery community
29:00 – Writing One Last Hit and confronting the stories Austin told himself
30:00 – Pride, entitlement, and learning to let go
31:00 – The power of men being honest about fear and struggle
32:26 – Why vulnerability isn't weakness—it's strength
33:58 – The life-changing realisation that you're not alone
35:30 – Austin's message for anyone who feels broken beyond repair
36:34 – Why we need other people to help us see our lives clearly
37:23 – Austin shares the story behind One Last Hit
38:04 – Where to connect with Austin and listen to his podcast
38:37 – Learning to lead with your heart
40:17 – You don't have to earn your worth or deserve love
42:19 – Sarah's closing reminder: your story matters, so share it
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:00) Hey everyone, welcome back to Taboo Talk with Sarah, the podcast that breaks the silence, fosters hope, and talks about the tough stuff so you never feel alone. I'm your host, Sarah Jordan Ross, and today's guest has a story that on the surface sounds almost unbelievable. His journey includes addiction, multiple rehab attempts, a heart attack at twenty one. That one surprised me.
Time spent as a fugitive in Mexico and ultimately the long road of recovery and rebuilding. What interested me most wasn't the headlines, it was the deeper themes underneath them. Shame, identity, approval, and how much we seek it. Belonging. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are and whether we're worthy of love, of acceptance, or a second chance.
Austin Rampt (00:25)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (00:52)
Austin Ramp is the author of One Last Hit, a memoir that explores not only addiction and recovery, but also what it means to rebuild a life when everything seems to have fallen apart. Austin, welcome to Tabry Talk. I'm so glad to have you here.
Austin Rampt (01:08)
Sarah, thank you so much for having me. I'm I'm I'm looking forward to a a fun talk today.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (01:14)
Yeah. So when people hear your story, they probably often focus on the dramatic stuff, the addiction, the rehab. Mexico, which I will get you to tell me about because I think it's interesting. And the all those things that make for a compelling headline. But when you look back, do you think there's stuff people miss about the story? What was really happening underneath all of it?
Austin Rampt (01:39)
Totally. So and even these things were they were placed in the book, but but they're not the headlines of the book, right? So but I do wanna so when I was a kid, I had really bad ticks, neurological ticks, right? So my body would twitch like this and I'd bite my nails incessantly. And some of them were really bad. I would have vocal ticks. So I'd be in the back of the classroom going, mm-mm, like a dolphin almost. ⁓ and
And I was overweight and I was just a little ball of anxiety as a child. But I, because I was bigger than all the other children, I had a leg up on them at baseball. I was really good at sports. And I noticed that when I would hit home runs or I'd have a good game, my dad from the stands would be so excited. He'd be so proud in front of the other dads. He'd be going, That's my boy, you know. And so somehow I got the message really early on.
That if I achieve, I am somehow worthy, right? And and and the flip-flop is also true. If I don't achieve, then somehow I'm not worthy. And and as a child, I remember walking around in, and I didn't have the words to name these yet, but walking around in the two primary emotions of anxiety and shame. ⁓ a lot of the shame was body shame just for the way that I thought I looked.
my awkwardness, you know, I remember wanting to talk to girls and just no, that was never happening as a child, you know. And so, yeah. So that those were that's really the the core memories that I have as a child. I was mistrusting of my parents. I I wouldn't trust them with any any anything beyond what what I could just show them to get them off my back. And an underlying feeling, perpetual feeling of not good enough that lasted until my thirties.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (03:36)
Yep, and that's a very common story. A lot of us suffer from that, not feeling good enough or being convinced that our worth is tied to what we achieve rather than who we are. So one of the yeah, one of the phrases you used was approval addiction. Do you want to unpack that for me?
Austin Rampt (03:52)
Hmm. Yeah. I I would agree.
Wow, that's such a good one. Yeah, yeah. I'd be happy to. So, you know, you can be addicted to a lot of things. I can definitely be addicted to a lot of things. Any anything that that changes the way that I feel, right? I can get addicted to. And that could be anything. It could be food. It could be, I mean, you know, you name it. But approval, that is such a drug for a lot of people, but myself included, because
I always felt like I didn't have enough or it wasn't wasn't the right kind. And so it was always kind of this elusive animal that I was chasing, ⁓ which is, you know, something that I found later in life came from that that not good enough because I didn't have the ability to esteem myself in any sort of positive way. And so I was really reliant upon my my environment to do that for me.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (04:54)
And when you don't get that support from the external environment, then you go looking for things to fill that gap.
Austin Rampt (05:02)
Yeah. And I I really do feel like, you know, a lot of my addiction, if I were to and this is a an extreme oversimplification of it, but I think I desired connection so deeply that but I but I feared it as well, because the thing that's required to get intimacy with others is, you know, you gotta let down the walls and let people in. Vulnerability, exactly. And so
Sarah Jordan-Ross (05:23)
Vulnerability. Yeah.
Austin Rampt (05:28)
It's what my heart wanted the most in the world, but it's what my head feared the most in the world. And so, you know, in in a very real way, alcohol and drugs are a hot wiring of that connection. It's almost like we're all gonna take this substance and boom, we're in, you know? And ⁓ and that's how it it's really spiraled out of control at an early age for me.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (05:48)
So how how young were you when you went down that road of addiction? 'Cause everyone has their different story of what triggered it or how they ended up in that place.
Austin Rampt (05:53)
So I
Yeah. So I, you know, I meet people.
There's a lot of people, Sarah, that like were like, well, you know, I had 20 years of normal drinking and then, you know, it just got out of control. Not my story. when I was 13, I started drinking. By the age of 14, I had taken pills, smoked pot, taken acid, taken Xanax. ⁓ by the age of 16, I was addicted to narcotic painkillers. And by the age of 17, I was smoking crack cocaine.
So it was very fast. And and the relief, the relief that that's really the, you know, I know that everyone gets an effect from drugs and alcohol, obviously, or else people wouldn't do them. But just the the the relief that I felt the moment that I realized I could change the way that I felt was was immense. And it and it made my my sober moments just unbearable, you know, from that point forward. Because I had no solution. They were my solution at that point.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (06:59)
Yeah, and you were so young that that was all you really knew. Yeah.
Austin Rampt (07:04)
It's true. And and I
had an event happen in between my junior and senior year of high school where I was, ⁓ we have an alarm.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (07:13)
Yeah, I'm not sure why though.
Austin Rampt (07:17)
Amber alert, maybe?
Sarah Jordan-Ross (07:18)
Yeah, Amberlet coming through on my phone.
Austin Rampt (07:20)
Ha ha ha.
So ⁓
Sarah Jordan-Ross (07:23)
That's a new thing,
we don't have them in Australia.
Austin Rampt (07:26)
Yeah, yeah. We we have them here, boy, I'll tell you. So
between between my junior and senior year, I was growing ⁓ weed in my closet and ⁓ my mother hung up some clothes over one of my grow lights. And at 7 p.m. I turned on my lights and by 8 30 p.m. I had burned our family home to the ground. And ⁓ and ⁓ you know, so it it was just I was going into that with
Austin is just this big pile of crap. And then I was just heaping more crap on top of it in the way that I viewed myself. Right. I always I already didn't measure up and now I'm just constantly screwing up and stepping on people's toes, even though I don't mean to. ⁓ and so, you know, that that was a pattern that continued for for a long time with me.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (08:18)
Now you mentioned Mexico. Do you want to unpack that part of your story?
Austin Rampt (08:22)
yeah, let's let's yeah, yeah,
let's go to Mexico. So so you know, a strange thing about addiction, even if you have even if you have sober years, the addiction doesn't really stop its progression. Right. So when I was 22, I came into twelve step recovery and I actually got sober and and I had a two year stint of sobriety and then a seven year stint of sobriety with one night off in between. ⁓ but without
For all intents and purposes, nine years, you know, I was in twelve step recovery from age twenty-two to thirty one. And so I had I had started a business that became very, very successful and got married, had my first two kids who are now fifteen and twelve. And I I relapsed again, ⁓ because I'd stopped doing the simple things that are required for a guy like me to stay sober. And when I relapsed, it was a hellacious relapse. ⁓
You know, because now I had resources, now I had money to be able to go out and really destroy my life the way that I had always hoped I could. That was I was being sarcastic there. ⁓ and so so I go on a run. Yeah, I know it didn't land. ⁓ so I go on a run that was just terrible. And and it culminates with me landing in ⁓ California at a place called Huntington Beach at at a detox there and and
Sarah Jordan-Ross (09:29)
I didn't notice that at all.
Austin Rampt (09:43)
You know, I I arrived in a blackout with just a backpack full of drugs. And I showed up in stage four renal failure. And the reason that I that was happening was because about five days prior, I had overdosed in the Fort Lauderdale Hard Rock Casino on on what I thought was Molly, but it turned out to not be Molly and it almost killed me. And ⁓
So I I land in California and they detox me. It takes it takes a while. It takes them about two weeks of pumping my body full of fluids to get my, you know, my levels to come back down. And and I go to this this treatment center there. And while I'm there, I, you know, through a series of events, ⁓ it becomes obvious to me that that the right course of action is to divorce my first wife. she had been relapsing for a while, was trying to run away with her drug dealer. It was, you know.
It was a whole scene. And so as I'm divorcing her, there's this woman who works at the rehab who had seven years sober. Cute girl. and was a lesbian, by the way, had been for a long time. And for some reason, when I was telling my first wife that we're getting a divorce, sh her head, this this other girl, her head just kind of flipped around. And and I noticed it and I was going, what in the hell's going on here?
And so long story short, her and I actually kick up a relationship, ill advised. ⁓ she had seven years sober. I was barely sober seven minutes. And she decides she's gonna move back to Florida with me. And, you know, I I was very man, I I was like a roving addicted narcissist at this time. Like that was really, you know, I couldn't take responsibility for anything. It was everyone else's fault. I was gonna love bomb you and buy you things and you know, this whole the game.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (11:36)
Making
a whole lot of bad decisions.
Austin Rampt (11:39)
Whole lot of bad decisions, right? And so I think we we collectively between the two of us stayed sober about 60 days after we left, I left that treatment center. I think she was ready to relapse, you know, subconsciously and and you know, here I come along. And so we pick up drugs and and it they were hard drugs. And what I didn't know about this girl were two things. One was she had a wicked case of drug-induced schizophrenia, which was if you're
Doing cocaine, right? And you've got a schizophrenic person in your house. It's a terrible combination. It's really bad. The other thing I didn't know about her, and the reason that she had this schizophrenia was that her last name had changed prior to me meeting her. Her last name used to be Gambino, which is a very well known mafia family here in the United States. And she had had a lot of trauma as a kid. And so her and I go on a terrible run that culminates in a hotel room in Fort Lauderdale.
With the cops kicking the door in. I'm sitting on the toilet about to shoot heroin, and and the cops come in, and there's just drugs and bongs and everything all over the room. And what had happened was my so there's a thing in the state of Florida that's called a Marchman Act. And what that is, if you're using to the point that they can reasonably prove you're probably going to die soon, they can get the courts involved as an attempt to save your life. And so
The courts did get involved. And it's the sort of thing where they, you know, there it's either rehab or jail. Take your pick, you know. And I I picked rehab. And so I go to this treatment center for a few days. And I had somehow talked them into letting my second wife into that same treatment center, which is never advised. And on a on about day six or seven, you know, she looks at me from across the group room and I knew something was up. And she grabs me after and she says, you know.
The judge said you had to go to rehab. He didn't tell you which rehab you had to go to. And I was like, well, you know, you're starting to make a little sense here. And she said, let's go back to California. So we grab our stuff, we grab our suitcases, ⁓ and we just we just haul ass. And they're calling the police because I was, I was required to be there from the from the police. And ⁓ I booked our plane tickets to California. And at the last moment, I switched them up, called an audible, and
I got a direct flight to Cancun because I had a lot of jet blue miles and they flew straight to Cancun. And ⁓ and and so this starts a a run ⁓ to end all runs ⁓ in in Mexico. You know, when I do you want me to go into it? You want to go a little deeper? Yeah. Okay, you got it. So we get to Mexico, right? And I am I am severely addicted. I have a big bank account.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (14:21)
Yeah? Go for it.
Austin Rampt (14:29)
And and a company that's generating me a lot of money, which I I lost subsequently a few months later. But ⁓ we get to Mexico and as soon as we get in the taxi, the guy's like, 'You want to buy some, you want some party supplies?' Which I know what that means. So he tries to sell me like a gram of cocaine. And I'm thinking, what am I gonna do with this? Like, you know, we're gonna need, we're gonna need bigger bags here. And so he starts getting me plugged in. He gets me a plug at a pharmacy that will just deliver me Xanax anytime I want it.
And Cancun's an interesting place in that it's it's the number one tourist destination in Mexico, first of all, which means it's it's responsible for a lot of income. And it's also it's a relatively safe place for for gringos because it is completely from the top to the bottom run by the Sinaloa cartel. So you can't be a police officer, a taxi driver, anything in that city unless the cartel has some way approved you. And so
When I start buying and the quantities that I like to buy, it it was all coming from the cartel. And they immediately identified me as somebody who they wanted to keep supplied. And so, you know, they they very quickly put us up in one of their hotels and then we got kicked out of there because she was schizophrenic and doing terrible things very loud. ⁓ and so we move into this condo on Cancun Beach, and and there was one day that she, you know, you know.
Like on a beach when there's rough surf and you shouldn't go swimming and they put out the red flags to tell you, hey, stay out. Right. Well, in her schizophrenic brain, she thought the flags were the things preventing people from swimming. So she runs down on the beach and steals all these flags and comes back up to our fourth floor condo and starts screaming on the on the balcony that she she saved everyone and they're all welcome to go swimming now. And and so the building, the building I was living in kicked her out. And that was great. It was great for me because it kind of got her away from me.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:16)
dear.
Let's imagine why.
Austin Rampt (16:23)
Yeah, I know. Right. And they said they said that I could stay, ⁓ which I appreciated. And so she proceeds to get arrested like five times in succession. And the Mexican government deports her back to the United States. So then it's just it's just me with a bunch of money. ⁓ surround literally nobody that was around me was not cartel affiliated in some way. And so they were bringing me, you know, a kilo of cocaine every probably every two months.
And just keeping me stocked. And am I absolutely and and you know, I remember like the period of sobriety before where I would think to myself, boy, you know, like I know I can't control it when I use, but maybe I could never run out. Like, never running out would probably work for me. You know, it's silly alcoholic addict thinking.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (16:55)
Fading your addiction.
Austin Rampt (17:15)
And ⁓ and I actually I I had achieved that, right? I was at the point where I never had to stop drinking and doing drugs. And, you know, I honestly thought I was gonna die. ⁓ that was my intention anyhow, once I I had stayed in Mexico for a little while. And ⁓ and I wanna tell you during this time, you know.
I was looking for companionship and connection anywhere I could find it. Right. And and I would have, I would only sleep once every three days. And when I would, when I would actually sleep and I would wake back up again, I would go into these, you know, hour-long sob sessions because I would start looking at pictures of my three-year-old daughter who I missed more than anything in the world, knowing that I was just never gonna see this little girl again.
And and it was all by my own hand. I had done every bit of it. And ⁓ and so, you know, long story short, I I do stay in Mexico for 22 months and I I blow through a million bucks. I I at the very height, I I have a 50 milligram a day Xanax habit, about an ounce of cocaine a day, roughly, ⁓ give or take. And ⁓ and the money runs out runs out before my heart does, you know, I just I didn't die. And
It ends with me being homeless in Mexico City, right? I I go to Mexico City to to party and I get my my wallet stolen, ⁓ which I had fake Mexican credentials at this point. So I was a Mexican national for all intents and purposes. And ⁓ there was a girl there that had taken a liking to me ⁓ on a prior trip. And and so I went to live with her and her mother. And you know, this was a really like interesting point. It didn't get me sober, but
in in retrospect, I can see how how important it was for me. This girl did not do drugs at all. Neither did her mother. And I go to live with with her and her mom. And it's it's in a an apartment complex that we in the states would probably call projects, but ⁓ but it was just normal living in in Quacalco, Mexico Quacalco, Mexico. And ⁓ and these folks had nothing and and
When I walked in, they had dinner waiting on the table for me. And they were the sweetest, most loving people I had probably ever met in my my whole life. And what was so interesting about it is I had spent so many years of my life trying to achieve, trying to reach this pinnacle that was finally going to fill this hole in my soul. And and these folks didn't have that hole in their soul. And and they had it was never even on their radar that.
Like they they weren't even holding a thousand dollars, right? To to do that just seems completely out of reach. They actually didn't even have hot running water. ⁓ you know, so we were when I was there, if I wanted to take a a shower, they had to heat the water up on the stove and I would, you know, grab a bowl and put it over my head with a bucket. And you know, so I had gone from, you know, high on the hog.
⁓ so to speak, to, you know, showering out of a bucket in the in the period of of less than less than two years. And as her and I break up, which inevitably does happen because she wanted to get married and I was there for the drugs and I kept telling her that. And she's like, no, we're gonna get married. I'm like, no, we're not. And she didn't like it when I said that. She would get very mad at me. And ⁓ and I end up having I I go live at my drug dealer's house and it all culminates with him
At three in the morning, sitting on a couch with a gun pointed at me because I owed him some money. And it was time for me to get out of Florida or excuse me, out of Mexico. And ⁓ there was a real pivotal moment that happened. Looking back, you know, meeting this girl and her mother was very, very important. But I came back to the States, overdosed again. I I was in really bad shape mentally, ⁓ and physically probably. And I go to a rehab.
And they they pegged me pretty quickly. Like like I, you know, I gave them all the symptoms, right? I wouldn't show them an emotion. ⁓ I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't let anyone behind the wall. I always I would, you know, I had a great knowledge about the twelve step literature. So I would always like, you know, try it was just I was putting on a show. You know what I was doing. And one one day my
Sarah Jordan-Ross (21:39)
Yes. You were ticking
all the boxes and doing all the things you were supposed to be doing, but not really doing the work.
Austin Rampt (21:49)
Right, completely ingenuine. Right. And ⁓ and there was one day that the therapist came in and she put a picture of her her little eighteen month old girl up on the board. And she asked us the question. She said, What does this little girl have to do to deserve love? And nobody could look at that picture and and say anything, right? It was of course nothing, absolutely nothing. She has value because she exists, right? And
And the therapist made the very, very strong argument that the only difference between me and that girl was an idea, and that I was the only one that had that idea. And and that was gonna be the very thing that was gonna take me down. Yeah, it was pivotal, it was such a moment for for me. And then in addition to that, you know, that was a piece of it. But in addition to that, I had a very close ⁓ friend who I had met in there, and we just bonded very quickly, like we became besties. And
Sarah Jordan-Ross (22:29)
Smart therapist.
Austin Rampt (22:48)
They would do this type of experiential therapy where they would, you know, have us close our eyes and they would take us back to a potentially traumatic moment, right? And get very detailed on it, et cetera. And ⁓ and I watched him in front of the group go into some things that I know he had shame about, that I know that were very difficult for him and do it courageously. And and it kind of gave me permission to try and do the same. But
One area that I was very that I had a difficult time with was my family. So up until this point, I had been to six rehabs, I think, prior to this. And my family were always off limits. Anytime they would want to do family of origin stuff, I would just say, you know, they were great people. Like I had such a nice upbringing. But the truth was, like, the truth was my dad was a workaholic and and not really around much. And my mom, you know, five o'clock was happy hour every night. So she was drinking every night. So I was
While she may have seemed attentive and affectionate, the truth was she was, you know, she was getting drunk every night. And so the truth was she let me grow a pot in the house. The truth was, you know, I was selling weed and she knew about it and didn't do anything to stop it. Like these were the and and what I learned was impact versus intent, meaning people can be well intentioned, but impact us negatively. And if I don't get to what the impact actually was, I'm not going to heal from this. And
And so it gave me permission to really get into that, Sarah. And and I did. And and combine that with I had lost everything. Every manipulation tool I had at my disposal years earlier was gone. The money was gone, all of it. And ⁓ and so I really had no choice but to figure out, okay, I'm gonna go and give people the actual me. And let's see what happens. Let's see if I.
If I'm actually enough. And it turns out I was. You know, that was the moral of the story. Is it turns out I was. And so, you know, now I'm a father of five and I have five children, including my my two that I left Mexico on. left two Mexico on. I have full custody of them today. So, anyhow, that's the Mexico story.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (25:05)
And that's also a bit of the the man that you were. Now, how about you tell us about the man that you are now? Because there would have been a lot of shame in your story. And the addiction story is never an easy one. It's not just a simple stop, whatever it is that is the problem. There's a lot of rebuilding that happens after that. And it's only when you, I think, when you hit that.
Austin Rampt (25:09)
Sure, totally.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (25:35)
Rock bottom of you've got nowhere else to go, nothing else to do but to try and and heal. And you faced that, and you faced that and did the work. So take us through that a little bit, but more tell us who you are now because we've heard who you were.
Austin Rampt (25:57)
Yeah, that's a great question. I'll I'll give you that. So it's been it's been 10 years since I came back from Mexico. And it was not a linear process by any stretch of the imagination. I told you I I was really, you know, even in my prior stint of sobriety, I was still so what what ended up happening was when I came into 12 step.
recovery, I found out that people gave me the attention I had desired for good things. Now they gave me attention for sobriety. And so I was still using it as a tool to put that fire out in my soul. And it worked for a while until it didn't. And
And so, you know, I've been married to a woman for the last eight years who is ⁓ she's a therapist herself and and is just a remarkable woman who ac who actually when when I met her, she came as a whole person, right? She was just a healed, whole entire person. And and when she met me, she met me, you know, about nine months to a year after treatment. And I came as a pretty whole person, right? I had been doing a lot of work in 12 step fellowship, which
For anyone that doesn't know, a lot of that is, you know, working towards a spiritual experience, inventory, making restitution, making amends, service to others, right? These are the things that that the 12-step fellowships generally work you towards. And when I got custody of my kids back, I didn't know how to be a father. I I truly I had no clue. I thought it was iPads and chicken nuggets for a while. And and I and I realized that.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (27:34)
Yeah, finally that worked.
Austin Rampt (27:36)
No, it didn't work. It was it was bad. But my wife Haley knew how to be a mother. ⁓ even though she didn't have any kids of her own, she had been a nanny for 10 years and and she knew what that looked like. And so she guided me ⁓ towards learning what it meant to be a father. And and that was not an easy process for me. I actually struggled with being a dad a lot because there's this huge self-centered part of me that I just wanted to
I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. And these darn kids were getting in the way of that. And you know, blah, blah, blah. And so I actually had a ⁓ a couple of relapses since then. I have two and a half years sober right now, but but it was not a linear process. I so for me, the only the only way I've ever been able to stay sober is in a community of sober people, right? Where we're all working towards a common purpose. And
You know, in South Florida I had that. Then we moved up to Orlando, where I currently live. And, you know, my ass wasn't on fire. I wasn't fresh out of Mexico. And so I didn't rebuild those relationships and and and I stumbled a couple of times. But but something happened this last time is is I went into a rehab center and and I remember sitting there and having the very conscious thought, you know, this is the first time I'm in rehab where I actually have.
Everything I could ever want in this world. All I have to do is not give it away again. And so that was a weird experience for me. And so, you know, in the writing of the book, which took about four years, what was going on is I was working with my writing team. And then the very next day I'm going to therapy because I have a therapist whom I see. I see him twice a week now, but I was seeing him once a week at the time. And I would go and talk about, you know, when you're writing a book.
It's not just a vague story in your mind. You have to give it detail. You have to like really get into the minutia what happened because you're now telling a story on paper. And and through the process of writing that, it really helped me to defragment ⁓ my own story. And it helped me to correct a lot of the lies that I had been telling myself about the reasons why things happened the way that they happened. And ⁓
And and I will tell you that, you know, pride, and I'm sure this is not limited to just me. ⁓ but pride has been a big difficulty in in my sobriety, right? Anything, anything that starts with the phrase, I don't have to because, or you should be like this because, or, you know, anything that that basically makes me project out different than everyone else, right? Comes kind of down, or what about me? Right. What about me?
And I I don't know if if this is a male thing or a human thing, but like I would always have this unconscious, perhaps subconscious belief that if I don't if I don't fight for my rights, if I don't fight for what should be coming to me, then then what's gonna be left of me? Right. And what I found out was that I was not lessened in any way by by stopping this behavior. And in fact.
you know, my relationships, which are the thing that I want more than anything in this world, I started to be able to have them. And, you know, I have a very close-knit recovery community here. And what was interesting about it, when I was just coming back in, there's a guy in our meeting who he had about six or seven years sober at the time. And he had picked up a really bad gambling habit and he had gotten himself into about a hundred thousand dollars in debt.
And he was very scared to tell his wife that he had done this. He was gonna have to file bankruptcy. But what he was doing was he was coming to that meeting every week and he was sharing about his fears in this group of men.
And what he was was he was a kind of a beacon of light for me to give me permission once again to to let my walls down. Right. That was something I could never do in my previous stents of sobriety, was to let my walls down, to really let you see me. Cause I was just so deathly afraid that if you saw me, you wouldn't love me. And ⁓ and so in this recovery community I have, right, the the coolest thing, the best thing we can do for one another is to, is to just.
Give ourselves ⁓ intimacy, right? Just gut honest honesty that doesn't look good. You know, vulnerability. Yeah. So
Sarah Jordan-Ross (32:26)
We get to a point where we realise that vulnerability isn't a weakness, it's a strength, and letting ourselves be vulnerable actually helps other people see that light with within us and also helps us to face those those demons of shame and guilt. So
Austin Rampt (32:41)
Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (32:48)
This life was never meant to be a a solo process of the I have to do it all by myself and I have to get it all right and I have to have all the answers. No, we we need that community around us. We need for when we don't have the answers to be able to have somebody who we can say, Hey, I don't know. Can you help me work it through? And I'm so glad, yeah. I'm so glad that you've found that.
Austin Rampt (33:12)
Absolutely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (33:15)
community because like some of the stories I've heard of of addiction and recovery, it is that that community that is incredibly important, especially when you are struggling so that somebody else can see that struggle and remind you that you don't have to be alone. And I think that's true of
all the struggles that we go through in life, whether it's addiction or grief or any other challenge that we might come up against, when we realize that we're not the only one, it makes that challenge a little easier to face.
Austin Rampt (33:58)
Absolutely. I mean, that feeling of of you're not alone, you know, I don't I don't really know how to describe that, but I remember the first time I got it early on in my first stint in sobriety. And I I I I truly in my heart thought I was so far gone, nobody could possibly understand what I what I had done, how I had messed up my life. There was just no turning back from it. And ⁓ and it turns out
that now all those things that I've done I can actually I can use to someone else's benefit, you know, to to share about it or or whatever the case may be. I remember, you know, early on I I got really into yoga when I first got sober and and and I remember going to this class and and the teacher had been, ⁓ gosh, she had been teaching yoga for probably 40 years. She was an elderly woman. And before the class started, she said,
You know, at my age, I struggle with the poses. So I'm gonna do the easy poses instead of the hard poses, but I'll describe the hard poses to you guys. And I just remembered the feeling I got as the instructor of the class was humble enough to say, Hey, look, here's how I've got to do this. It's just the place that I'm at. And it just made it okay for me to not do it perfectly either. You know, and and that stuck with me. That was like
gosh, that was like nine years ago that that happened and I never forgot it. You know? And so that's the kind of the kind of light that I hope, you know, I can bring.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (35:30)
Yeah. So for anyone who's listening who is feeling whether trapped by their past or convinced that they're broken beyond repair, what would you want them to know?
Austin Rampt (35:44)
Wow, that's a great question. So I know that feeling. ⁓ first of all, I know exactly how you feel. And nothing is beyond repair, you know, but you can't do it alone. And don't even try and do it alone. You know, I like doing it alone is like trying to drive from Florida to California and you end up in Chicago. It's like, yeah, you might you might eventually get to California, but but you're taken the long way through, you know. Let somebody who's been there ⁓ guide you.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (36:05)
Yeah.
Yes. Cause while sometimes taking the scenic route can be fun and we learn lots of lessons we wouldn't if we just went from A to B without any detours, sometimes having somebody sitting beside you saying, ⁓ don't go that way 'cause it'll take us a gazillion times longer than we want it to is really helpful. Yeah.
Austin Rampt (36:34)
Mm-hmm. Totally helpful. Totally
I mean, that's you know, that's been my experience is having having a sponsor, having someone to because I don't see the truth about my own life. I just can't because I'm driven by emotion. You know, I if I can be a I could tell the guy, I could tell the guy begging for money on the side of the street about one of the problems I'm going through, and he will see that more clearly and be able to give me more solution probably than I'm going to come up with just because he's objective.
You know. Right, exactly.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (37:04)
Yeah, he's got that distance. It's always easier to solve
somebody else's problems than than your own. And sometimes other people see what you're going through more clearly than what you do as well from that that different perspective.
Austin Rampt (37:11)
Totally. Totally.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (37:23)
Now you do have an amazing book out. So if do you want to tell us a little bit about that, including how if anybody wants to get hold of it is the best way for them to do that.
Austin Rampt (37:28)
I do.
Yeah, sure. So this is the book. It's called One Last Hit. You will not be confused about the subject matter because it's all over the cover. ⁓ and you can get it on Amazon. Just go to Amazon and and search for One Last Hit by Austin Ramp and it will pull up.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (37:54)
Yeah. And if anyone wanted to learn more about you and your work or maybe connect with you, what's the best way for them to do that?
Austin Rampt (38:04)
Yeah. So my website is is one last hitbook.com and my contact information is right on there. ⁓ and you can link to I have a a a shop there which sells the book in various different forms. There's I have a podcast, one last hit podcast that I do, ⁓ and all that links to, you know, through that website. So that would be the spot.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (38:28)
Yeah, is there anything else you'd like to leave our listeners with today? Any one last piece of wisdom?
Austin Rampt (38:37)
You know, not really, except to say I was so scared for so much of my life to lead with my heart. Like I really was. And even today I know that I I I'm my default is not to lead with my heart. But man, life gets so much better when I do. And I and I hope I hope people will see that for what it's worth, you know.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (38:58)
Yes. To actually live a heart centered life is is filled with joy. It's not easy, but it's it's much, much better when actually you come at something as a whole person and you do lead with your heart as well as occasionally coming from your from a headspace too. Yeah. But yes, we need to emotions have their place. We need to
Austin Rampt (39:19)
Yeah, of course. Of course.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (39:27)
feel things because to borrow a line from a friend of mine, if you don't feel it, you can't heal it. So we've got to let ourselves have those feelings and work through them. And quite often, as we saw in your story, it's those underlying feelings of I'm not worthy or I'm not good enough or I have to achieve
Austin Rampt (39:36)
Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (39:56)
to be loved. It's those emotions that are are running the show. It's those stories that we tell ourselves. And sometimes those stories aren't true.
Austin Rampt (40:11)
Yep. Oftentimes.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (40:13)
Yeah. Yeah.
Austin Rampt (40:15)
Yeah, definitely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (40:17)
As that wise therapist of yours, when she showed you that picture of her 18-month-old daughter said, the only difference between her and you when it comes to being worthy of love is the story you're telling yourself. Because each and every one of us is worthy of being loved just for who we are, just because we are in this world, and each one of us comes into this world with a unique gift that only we can give to it.
Austin Rampt (40:30)
Bingo.
Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And that's that's great. I've really man, I really like I really like your your format. And I like your dragon. Your dragon's been looking at me the whole time and I just love I love the dragon. Yeah, totally, totally.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (40:56)
Yeah. My dragon's pretty cool.
Because while some people view dragons as scary and mean and things to be fought, I think dragons are wise creatures who can help and support us. They know a lot, they've seen a lot. Yeah, they don't they're not big and scary. They're they're helpful.
Austin Rampt (41:22)
Yeah, that's great. I love that.
Sure. Yeah. Yeah. that's great. My wife and I love the House of the Dragon show that's that's on ⁓ HBO. Awesome. Yeah.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (41:34)
It's pretty good. Yeah.
Well, thank you so, so much for joining me today and for so openly sharing your story, including those really hard moments where you even said you you were hoping you'd die. You were hoping you wouldn't have to face all of that stuff, but
Austin Rampt (41:44)
Absolutely.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (42:02)
I am very glad that you did actually face it and now you're using that to give something good to the world.
Austin Rampt (42:13)
and thank you so much, Sarah. And I I really appreciate you having me on.
Sarah Jordan-Ross (42:19)
So for everyone listening, if today's conversation resonated with you, then share it. Share it with someone who just might need to hear it.
Until next time, I'm Sarah Jordan Ross, and this has been Taboo Talk with Sarah. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and most importantly, remember your story matters, so share it. Because you never know when it's your story that will change someone else's life. And I'm kind of hoping that hearing Austin's story.
will change a few people who's who may be struggling who will help them to see that there is light at the end of that tunnel.
bye for now.